Searching, Losing, Keeping and Throwing Away

This year (the past few months I mean, not the last 5 days of 2010) have been difficult, confusing, unbearable and a joy (correct, answer D does not fit). I'm 22, yet I've felt younger and younger with every passing day. I know the reality of the situation is these processes are maturing me, but it's one of those things...like Spring Cleaning: Where you must get everything really messy before you can properly clean it up. A deep clean most people call it; Worse before it gets better. This isn't to say whole life is a mess, it looks pretty much the same I suppose-but you wouldn't believe the mess of my mind (or maybe you would be I am total product of my time and share all of my thoughts on social networking sites? ;-)


God spoke to me clearly the other day in a random conversation with a friend, and expounded upon it later with me. He said, "You're safe here". 'Here' referring to my swirly mind which is questioning harder now than every before. I look in the mirror and I'm just not sure who I see. ...And to be honest-I'm not even sure who I want to see. Now, now-I know I am Christ's daughter, and a part of His Beloved Bride! I know I am who He declares me to be! God already spoke to me of all these things to build His foundations in my mind of my identity...but now we're building up... What does a Godly woman look like? How does she think? I had my ideas, but they've come crashing down. I cringe admitting this, but I don't even feel excited about marriage right now. I'm even more apathetic about kids! I give myself chills saying that (the creepy kind) because I've always aspired to wear pearls while vacuuming and wearing my vintage apron while preparing the most creative of dinner menus for my family of 5 (again, I hope people understand I exaggerate to make points, ha...I talk in parenthesis too much in my blog. Whatever...) I suppose it may not seem to be a big deal to some, but its shocking the heck out of me! These mindsets came out of what I believe God set out before me, being a woman in His Kingdom, so feeling and thinking differently right now..well, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!??!?! ...But God said, "It's safe here".

So tonight I was journaling about all that which I'm having a hard time with, and the storm in my mind which I know He desires to calm. I just simply don't know what to think about anything unless it's 100% clear and laid out in Scripture. I won't go into all I'm questioning and confused about...but its a lot, and its taken its toll on me. While I'm writing down my thoughts, Eccelesiastes 3:6 pops in my head. I guess I don't know my Bible as well as I'd like to think, because I was pretty unsure of what I would find. I was excepting maybe a verse about everything in life being meaningless-which is AWESOME because that's exactly what I need to calming my aching thoughts, right? So, I pop open my Bible and go straight to 3:6 expecting to be depressed by the word of instruction I would now receive. Instead, I read this:

Ecc 3:6
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.



Tears, all I have is tears in response to that. Tears because I know God is marking my year with exactly that: At times, searching and finding His answers. Also, throwing my hands up in surrender and declaring "lost"-which I'm sure will end in answers as well. I will also learn what mindsets and thoughts I must keep, and what I must toss aside. Searching, losing, keeping and throwing away. For some reason, this verse brings such comfort. God is so real. Of any book and chapter and verse to pop into my head, this one comes to mind-and here I find exactly what I'm going through, and God is teaching me to find safety in. This is His plan for me right now, Ecc 3:6-these are my times.

Oh God, still tears-I'm ready for the journey. Be my Light.

Over and out.

Black and White.

I love the mystery of black and white photos. I like that I am able to choose the colors of the leaves, or imagine one's cheeks a bit rosier than perhaps they actually are. There's a profound beauty in a colorless photo, and the more the think about it the more gorgeous it becomes. A person's smile seems softer to me for some reason, and if the ocean they're standing behind was a bit gloomy and grey that day...I'll never know, because I'm imagining it crystal blue.

I jokingly have said I'm going through a "quarter life crisis". The color has been put into my photos; reality has been seen. Now, smiles seem a bit more harsh and the colors aren't as vibrant as I always imagined them to be. I'm okay with it, but I will admit a bit disappointed. I prefer the black and white. Ignorance is bliss. We've tasted from the tree in the garden, and now we know. We know of good and evil, and now just of our bliss with God. I love life on earth, but I'm beginning to understand in new ways of being an "alien" here.

I miss black and white photos.

Over and out.