Your silent melody...

Sometimes my eyelids grow too heavy to keep my eyes open enough to even see all of my laptop screen. I'm worn out, but the song playing right now is too good, the current conversation too entertaining and the night too young.

I am currently debating in my mind the balance of being a strong and fierce woman, yet still gentle, submissive and kind. How do you represent the Lion and the Lamb in one woman? Hm...I have confidence I'll know soon.

I hope all of my plans go through for these next few months. I feel life just couldn't be more exciting with what lies ahead. Please, God, please!

I wish I knew more jokes. I like the couple I know, but the problem is once you've been friends with someone for a week, you run out!

Okay, the song is over. I can't keep 'em open any longer.

Over and out.

Caterpillars and Christ

I keep telling God I'm wrestling with Him. I'm determined to become like Him, to know His thoughts and wisdoms and to live close to His heart. He's promised these things to me, and I keep telling Him-just as Jacob wrestled with You for his blessing, I will wrestle for Your promises. I will struggle with man and God and overcome. I'm holding on, and not letting go.

Here's the funny thing though, even know I'm the one who declared this wrestling match with God, I still need encouragement from Him in it. God is graciously kind enough to constantly remind and reveal to me He is indeed changing me as I grip onto Him. Tonight, He spoke the most beautiful thing to me-which I felt could be applicable to so many.

I hesitate to tell you of the analogy God spoke to me in fear of its cliche origins, but my heart feels more at rest during this time than it ever has before. Tonight, as I was praying and reading my mind became flooded with thoughts of caterpillars and cocoons and butterflies. I know the very evident knowledge of the basic metamorphosis, but I knew this went deeper than that. As I googled I prayed God would lead my clicking abilities (Ha! Kind of funny...). So...as I-Sarah the caterpillar googled, I came across a website and first line read, "Caterpillars are the immature stage of butterflies". Go figure, I began to cry. I know there are immaturity's in me God is pressing His finger heavily upon. While it may sound silly, it gives me such relief it doesn't just say "Caterpillars are immature". No, it says they are the immature STAGE of BUTTERFLIES. It's a stage; a stage that develops into something beautiful and radiant.

I keep reading and come across their eating habits: "Caterpillars start eating like crazy and building their tent...during the growing process they can eat every leaf from a tree". Tears well up in my eyes, yet again (typical, right?). I take this as my instruction. Eat everything I can. The Bible tells us its scriptures are the Bread of Life. I want every bit of knowledge and taste of God I can swallow. I want to eat until the tree is left bare.

"Once the caterpillars are grown, they wander off and hide themselves in well protected places." When I first began going through my "quarter-life crisis" as I was calling it, God spoke to me that I'm in a safe place. As I've been questioning everything and challenging every way of life and not-stated-clearly Biblical concept, God's said: It's safe here. As long as I'm hidden in Christ (Col 3:3), I'm well protected.

I just began praying and crying in a joyful way of the caterpillar stage I'm in. I know the butterfly is just around the corner, and I'm so thankful the God of the universe cares so deeply for me and His church to radically change my life and my thoughts and reveal more and more of Himself to me! I also read a caterpillar grows to about 27,000 times the size it was when it emerged from its egg. To put this in human terms: A baby weighing 9lbs at birth would weigh about 243,000lbs as an adult. If I continue to go along with God speaking to me of my caterpillar state, I can grow to be 27,000 times I was as child. I am not limited in my mind, heart or soul. I am not confined to this world, but live in the limitless world of Jesus Christ!

Oh, How my heart longs to grow and eat and transform! I LOVE this year. I've never felt so challenged, encouraged and full of joy. I feel so uncertain of where God is leading my path, but I know it one of strength, maturity, beauty and grace. Thank You God for your precious care of Your children.


Phillipians 3:13-14
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Over and out.

More than a breeze...

My stomach is full of frozen yogurt. Really, really full. I never eat much in one sitting because I hate being full-I'd much rather be hungry in an hour than feel my stomach tightly against my jean seams in great discomfort for an hour. ...Keep in mind I'm still bringing spoonfuls of java chip yogurt to my mouth as I type this. I feel very Bridgest Jones-esque confessing this you, and instead of being ashamed of that (for she's a bit of an embarrassing girl) I feel empowered. ...Like, HA! I can stuff my face and feel uncomfortable if I want, WHEN I want. Take that you photoshoped models. This has nothing to do with anything.

I text my bestie out of the blue the other day as the random thought popped into mind. I said to her, "My greatest fear is to fall in love". Ironic I type this in my blog titled "Let's Fall In Love" I suppose. ...But I have to tell someone, and I already told Meyer, so I might as well sing this news to you, right? (Man, I'm in an odd mood). Well, I don't want to fall in love for numerous reasons which I won't go as far to tell you just yet. Anyway, to deal with this fear of falling in love, I've decided I just won't do it! I'm going to hold out as long as humanly possible. Well, as long as Sarah-ly possible; we'll see how it goes. It'll atleast be a couple of years, maybe a few. And it's going to be a fight, thats for sure. I won't be easily won over. As a good friend of mine says (good friend only because she's often played in my iTunes, not because we know eachothers secrets. Though, I suppose I might know hers...)-anyway, as she says referencing love, "It'll take more than a breeze to make me fall over." So...I'm digging my feet into the sand (I suppose Wisconsiner's might not get this reference, they never get my beach-isms. It's so annoying). A hurricane must come, for no small wind nor wave will toss me about.

Sometimes I want to curse in my blog. Mainly because I think it'd be funny, but thats probably offensive. I will admit though, one time I did. Well, I said "why the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks...", but I later went back and changed it.

Over and out.

I typed without hesitation, here's what happened:

Last night Freelove and I were writing poetry (I had to write a poem for my 52 Weeks project) and she kept saying "STOP THINKING! Just write!" as I hesitated with the pen in my hand. When I decided to finally write whatever came to my mind, she said she loved it.

I want to write for a few minutes without thinking. I'm just going to jot whatever comes to mind, and see where it leads me.

I'm about to turn 23. I love it and I hate it. Even with all my new revelations and desires, its odd to look back at the past 22 years of my life and how my dreams have changed and brought me to where I am. I wish I was who I am now when I was 18, but I'm not. I'm okay with that. 2010 has been an awesome year so far. I adore my 52 Weeks project, it gives me something to look forward every week. Jump ship. I've had 3 conversations with 3 friends about 3 out-of-the-norm topics. Just things you deal with I guess-they've all got me thinking. Oops, about to over think, keep typing. I want to dance in the rain. I realise this sounds cheesy, but I do. One day when I was in highschool I was unusually happy and I went out on my patio and danced in a beautiful North Carolina storm. I miss the rain from NC. The rain drops are big. Another time in highschool, when I was being my typical cynical self with Meyer, and we walked around the neighborhood in a thunder storm. We've got the pictures to prove it. We're smiling in those photos, funny...because we quite upset on the walk. I guess sometimes you just need a friend to hold your hand in the rain. We used to sing songs, they were pretty funny, but pretty mean. Words hurts, remember that. This week even after my single ladies anthem, I suddenly felt myself feeling alone. Pretty ironic, but pretty typical of God (to challenge your new life anthems I mean). I'm over it now. I love being alone, I love figuring out life out by myself. I like to be independent, I didn't use to. ...but then again, I didn't use to loathe the idea of dating either. John says that'll change when the right guy comes along. We'll see. I'm not concerned. For now, I want to keep coloring peacocks (that drawing is taped to my wall, I'm proud of it for some odd reason). I want to keep listening to my depressed folk music followed by up-beat country music. Ya know, I like confidence. God spoke to me loads about humility when I first moved up here, once you grasp humility (which believe me I'm still learning to eat my humble pie) you learn boldness and confidence as well. This is who I am-this is who God made me. I know God, I hear Him, and He chose me. I'm made in His image, and its beautiful. He made me beautiful. This goes for you too, friend. God chose man to reveal His glory. Weird.

This was fun, I'll do this more.

Over and out.