I spent today alone. ...Well, I spent the day with Jesus, Shakespeare and Sandra Bullock I should say, but basically: alone.
All three inspired me greatly. God wants my mind, and my time (there will be changes for upcoming months...). Shakespeare toyed with my emotions, and allowed room for God to speak to me through his poetic heartbreak. And Sandra (or rather her character in Blindside) had me in constant tears for 2 hours and 8 minutes.
56th Sonnet
Return of love, more blessed may be the view
Or call it winter, which being full of care
Makes summer's welcome, thrice more wished, more rare
59th Sonnet
Show me your image in some antique book,
Since mind at first in character was done,
That I might see what the old world could say
To this composed wonder of your frame.
I feel inspired. ....Except not so inspired to make complete thoughts and type them, ha!
Over and out.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Perfectly Lonely...or not.
So, I popped onto Blogger to post about a certain subject, only to find out one of my good blogging friends had already posted about a very, very similar topic. It's not really that ironic, but more so comforting. We all go through similar things, and often it seems at similar times. I like this, we are but dust (Psa 103:14), and I'm glad we're all little dust mites together.
So...remember how not too long ago I was ALL excited about not caring about life plans for the FIRST time in my LIFE. Well, last night I felt this carefree/trusting God attitude slipping away from me. Now, don't get me wrong-it was not in a sudden 'in the blink of an eye' moment that this occurred; there have been a few events leading up to it. Assassins coming in (must know John Mayer's songs to understand this reference, which I do not care to explain currently), Christmas movies telling you its time to find the mistletoe, cold weather weather wishing you snuggle on the couch and for me personally: Cute little pre-school holiday shows with adorable families dressed in red and green. In fact, this is what got me last night. I was at my 3rd Holiday Show for Webby (dance company I work for), and I was watching the families interact. The mom's were so cute in their winter coats and their little girls with curled hair. The dads looked so proud as their sons screamed Christmas Carols from the stage at the top of their lungs.
And then, it all came rushing back to me...the thoughts of wanting a family, and wondering when the heck this was going to occur. Stressing about what year I'll get married and how this will fit into my current plans, and then how old I'll be when I begin to have children, yada yada yada yada. And look, I know this makes me seem like the candidate for the re-making of "How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days"-but this is how my mind works! ...Except it hasn't been like this for a couple of months, and now its trying to creep back in! I won't let it happen! I will pump myself full of anthems such as "Miss Independent" and "Single Ladies" (joking).
However, I did want to re-visit the verses that completely changed my view on my time of singleness. It's a GIFT of time to be care-free and have an undivided heart:
....oh this is long-let me go Biblegateway this bad boy:
1 Cor 7:32-35
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
Okay, so this is an AWESOME time of life I have, and I don't want my singlehood taken up with thoughts of marriage. I desire marriage, boy oh boy do I-but I'm single and I actually AM excited about...so let's live it out, eh? A single life serves no purpose if your heart is undivided in the way a married woman's heart is, yet I think this is very true for many, many singles. Our minds run to the idea of marriage, and the boy/girl it could be with, the plans we must make and the goals we wish to achieve with marriage in the forefront of our mind. It's not God's intention for this time (don't entangle yourself in what God hasn't asked us to-2 Tim 2:4). My eyes, heart, mind, soul and spirit will be FIXED on God-I want to make the most of this time, not just walk with my head down waiting for the days to pass.
For now, I'll keep the romance for the poets.
Over and out.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Love, as free as air, at at sight of human ties...
Remember my first post? ...About experiencing every heightened sense and the enthusiasm of being in love, without having your one set person you're saying "I love you" to? Well, currently I have an overwhelming desire to stand up in the coffee shop right now, and say (in my best Elf voice) "I'm in love! I'm in love! And I don't care who knows it". Of course I'll be throwing my city hat in the air while saying this to truly re-enact this scene in all of his brilliance, ;-).
....But I am overcome with joy and tickles in my heart right now. I'm not sure why exactly, but I know its a good thing (and it's from God).
I love being 22.
I now love poetry.
I particularly love Alexander Pope.
I love to pretend witty song lyrics were written in my defense.
I love sitting in coffee shops for hours and hours.
I love bars (don't start yelling at me).
I love girls nights.
I love Christ-centered talks with girls at bars (ha).
I love my bestie.
I love that my parents are actually pretty awesome people, whom I would chose to hang out with over others.
I love Wisconsin and the cold and the snow.
I love wearing fun clothes.
I love that the insight and wisdom into God and His word is unending, and I will never grow bored or tired of it.
I love having moments with one friend in a crowd of people.
I love laughing about secrets.
I love when I love life.
I want to go on some more about what I love...but there's NO point to this post, ha! I am just feeling happy and wanted to share :).
So young, and full of running.
All the way to the edge of desire.
Steady my breathing, silently screaming
I have to have you now...
Over and out.
....But I am overcome with joy and tickles in my heart right now. I'm not sure why exactly, but I know its a good thing (and it's from God).
I love being 22.
I now love poetry.
I particularly love Alexander Pope.
I love to pretend witty song lyrics were written in my defense.
I love sitting in coffee shops for hours and hours.
I love bars (don't start yelling at me).
I love girls nights.
I love Christ-centered talks with girls at bars (ha).
I love my bestie.
I love that my parents are actually pretty awesome people, whom I would chose to hang out with over others.
I love Wisconsin and the cold and the snow.
I love wearing fun clothes.
I love that the insight and wisdom into God and His word is unending, and I will never grow bored or tired of it.
I love having moments with one friend in a crowd of people.
I love laughing about secrets.
I love when I love life.
I want to go on some more about what I love...but there's NO point to this post, ha! I am just feeling happy and wanted to share :).
So young, and full of running.
All the way to the edge of desire.
Steady my breathing, silently screaming
I have to have you now...
Over and out.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.
I was going to type this blog a few days ago, and begin with "I've been feeling down. Not depressed or upset, but down...". However, I chose to wait to write out my thoughts, and I'm currently feeling quite content and chipper. I'll walk you through these events:
I've only told one other person this, so I'm not sure why I am now choosing to come out to the blog world with these details...but I'll go on. (Also, I find it interesting that I for some reason haven't wanted to mention this to anyone...and it even took me 10 or so days to tell my best friend whom I tell everything...)
1:30am on Dec. 1st I sat alone in the waiting room of the hospital as Arthur and Lindsay (with Ella in tummy) went into the birthing room. I sat down, and within 30 seconds my mind was filled with unpleasant memories and I began to cry. You see, the last time I was in a hospital room for a lengthy period of time, I was 16 years old, and my boyfriend-of-the-time was in the ICU in a coma. Suddenly my heart was overflowing with the emotions I felt so many years ago. My eyes panned the waiting room; I could see my highschool friends all sitting around, and I saw a vivid picture in my mind of a friend who sat with us, who has recently passed away. This brought me to remember more friends in the waiting room, and I recalled a 2nd friend in that waiting room who has since passed away as well. So, there I am: Sitting in the waiting room, wanting to be ecstatic about the soon-to-be birth of my niece, but instead I'm crying at the memory of 3 tragedies and overtaken by the emotions I had felt during each of their occurrences. As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop my thoughts, so I asked God to make me fall asleep in order to escape. I did for a few minutes and when I woke up I was more consumed with the thought of Ella than other things.
The excitement of Ella (my niece-incase you aren't up to date with my life, or my facebook, ha!) was more-than-enough to distract me for the next week. Also, my parents being in town helped keep me busy and entertained. However, once my parents left, and Ella no longer seemed like a new doll to play with, but a real girl who lives in my house-my reminiscences of the past began to rain on my happiness. Different things kept occurring to trigger unpleasant memories, and while I tried to sort through surfacing emotions, I also became quite agitated at my inability to move beyond events which occurred long ago. I've worked through, talked through, cried and tore my sackcloth (joking) with all of these episodes, so why am I plagued with depressing thoughts I've already come through? Why is it every so often I undergo weird flashbacks to difficult eras of life, and that they become so real to me I go back into depressed mindsets?
I jokingly made my facebook status (I'm so lame...) "Sarah has a spotted mind". The words together reminded me of Spotted Cow, the Wisconsin beer. However, these two hold no correlation, incase you were curious. Anyway, I was referring to the beloved phrased "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". My mind is not spotless; it has spots, it has polka-dots even. And these polka-dots have made ridges in my heart and soul that my finger sometimes runs across, and falls into their deep carvings. I asked God how to handle these emotions, and received a few different answers which I am still unpacking and humbling (trying to humbly atleast) accept. The first idea which popped into my mind was a mental image of the ridges and dips in my heart/mind from the memories. I saw God's hand run across the uneven portions in gentle and soft strokes. Eventually, these bumps and raises leveled down due to the weight and touch of God's hand. The Enya song also popped into my head,
"Who can say if your love groves,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?
Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time"
I wish I was joking about Enya, ha-oh, but I'm not. HA! God also helped me recall verses such as:
Psalm 147:3 - He heals the broken hearted, and binds all of their wounds.
Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is near to the broken hearted, and saves those are who are crushed in spirit.
I know I can't allowed emotions to overwhelm me in unhealthy ways, and that the truth of situations must reign in mind more so than my thoughts and sadness concerning them. ...But I also was reminded by God (both in scripture and practically) that I have a problem sorting through deep emotions because I do not verbalize them. I'm quite the chatty Cathy, but as ...really only my family knows... even though I tell of things going on in my life, I often refuse to TRULY open up and TRULY tell the deep and weighty thoughts floating within myself.
God reminded me of what I used to declare would mark my life (and what I started too even write a book about, ha!). In 1 Samuel Hannah (Sam's mom) was mourning and crying about her closed womb. Her crying was so intense someone accused her of being drunk, and she said (paraphrased) "No, I am a woman who is deeply troubled, and I am pouring out my soul to the Lord." Hannah went on to have a son (miracle of God), and a son who impacted the Kingdom of God greatly! Her promises and goodness received from the Lord began with her openness before the Him. God also reminded me of what I've said I wish to mark my life NOW: humility. I'm not sure why, but I for some reason feel too prideful to show deep, deep sorrow, and can often stunt myself to healing wounds, or allow them to close up in ways not intended by God. I must humbly pour myself out.
My life is no different than any one elses, my unfortunate events and "sob stories" are not great in comparison to the situations in many others lives...but they have happened, and they have affected me. I must be humble, and I must pour myself out to God to move past reliving sorrow and into knowing the joy of the Lord.
I will not know the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind; memories are not erased, but their wounds are healed. ...And sometimes wounds are handled with such skill and care, they do not even leave a scar.
Over and out.
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.
I was going to type this blog a few days ago, and begin with "I've been feeling down. Not depressed or upset, but down...". However, I chose to wait to write out my thoughts, and I'm currently feeling quite content and chipper. I'll walk you through these events:
I've only told one other person this, so I'm not sure why I am now choosing to come out to the blog world with these details...but I'll go on. (Also, I find it interesting that I for some reason haven't wanted to mention this to anyone...and it even took me 10 or so days to tell my best friend whom I tell everything...)
1:30am on Dec. 1st I sat alone in the waiting room of the hospital as Arthur and Lindsay (with Ella in tummy) went into the birthing room. I sat down, and within 30 seconds my mind was filled with unpleasant memories and I began to cry. You see, the last time I was in a hospital room for a lengthy period of time, I was 16 years old, and my boyfriend-of-the-time was in the ICU in a coma. Suddenly my heart was overflowing with the emotions I felt so many years ago. My eyes panned the waiting room; I could see my highschool friends all sitting around, and I saw a vivid picture in my mind of a friend who sat with us, who has recently passed away. This brought me to remember more friends in the waiting room, and I recalled a 2nd friend in that waiting room who has since passed away as well. So, there I am: Sitting in the waiting room, wanting to be ecstatic about the soon-to-be birth of my niece, but instead I'm crying at the memory of 3 tragedies and overtaken by the emotions I had felt during each of their occurrences. As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop my thoughts, so I asked God to make me fall asleep in order to escape. I did for a few minutes and when I woke up I was more consumed with the thought of Ella than other things.
The excitement of Ella (my niece-incase you aren't up to date with my life, or my facebook, ha!) was more-than-enough to distract me for the next week. Also, my parents being in town helped keep me busy and entertained. However, once my parents left, and Ella no longer seemed like a new doll to play with, but a real girl who lives in my house-my reminiscences of the past began to rain on my happiness. Different things kept occurring to trigger unpleasant memories, and while I tried to sort through surfacing emotions, I also became quite agitated at my inability to move beyond events which occurred long ago. I've worked through, talked through, cried and tore my sackcloth (joking) with all of these episodes, so why am I plagued with depressing thoughts I've already come through? Why is it every so often I undergo weird flashbacks to difficult eras of life, and that they become so real to me I go back into depressed mindsets?
I jokingly made my facebook status (I'm so lame...) "Sarah has a spotted mind". The words together reminded me of Spotted Cow, the Wisconsin beer. However, these two hold no correlation, incase you were curious. Anyway, I was referring to the beloved phrased "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". My mind is not spotless; it has spots, it has polka-dots even. And these polka-dots have made ridges in my heart and soul that my finger sometimes runs across, and falls into their deep carvings. I asked God how to handle these emotions, and received a few different answers which I am still unpacking and humbling (trying to humbly atleast) accept. The first idea which popped into my mind was a mental image of the ridges and dips in my heart/mind from the memories. I saw God's hand run across the uneven portions in gentle and soft strokes. Eventually, these bumps and raises leveled down due to the weight and touch of God's hand. The Enya song also popped into my head,
"Who can say if your love groves,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?
Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time"
I wish I was joking about Enya, ha-oh, but I'm not. HA! God also helped me recall verses such as:
Psalm 147:3 - He heals the broken hearted, and binds all of their wounds.
Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is near to the broken hearted, and saves those are who are crushed in spirit.
I know I can't allowed emotions to overwhelm me in unhealthy ways, and that the truth of situations must reign in mind more so than my thoughts and sadness concerning them. ...But I also was reminded by God (both in scripture and practically) that I have a problem sorting through deep emotions because I do not verbalize them. I'm quite the chatty Cathy, but as ...really only my family knows... even though I tell of things going on in my life, I often refuse to TRULY open up and TRULY tell the deep and weighty thoughts floating within myself.
God reminded me of what I used to declare would mark my life (and what I started too even write a book about, ha!). In 1 Samuel Hannah (Sam's mom) was mourning and crying about her closed womb. Her crying was so intense someone accused her of being drunk, and she said (paraphrased) "No, I am a woman who is deeply troubled, and I am pouring out my soul to the Lord." Hannah went on to have a son (miracle of God), and a son who impacted the Kingdom of God greatly! Her promises and goodness received from the Lord began with her openness before the Him. God also reminded me of what I've said I wish to mark my life NOW: humility. I'm not sure why, but I for some reason feel too prideful to show deep, deep sorrow, and can often stunt myself to healing wounds, or allow them to close up in ways not intended by God. I must humbly pour myself out.
My life is no different than any one elses, my unfortunate events and "sob stories" are not great in comparison to the situations in many others lives...but they have happened, and they have affected me. I must be humble, and I must pour myself out to God to move past reliving sorrow and into knowing the joy of the Lord.
I will not know the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind; memories are not erased, but their wounds are healed. ...And sometimes wounds are handled with such skill and care, they do not even leave a scar.
Over and out.
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