Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.


I was going to type this blog a few days ago, and begin with "I've been feeling down. Not depressed or upset, but down...". However, I chose to wait to write out my thoughts, and I'm currently feeling quite content and chipper. I'll walk you through these events:


I've only told one other person this, so I'm not sure why I am now choosing to come out to the blog world with these details...but I'll go on. (Also, I find it interesting that I for some reason haven't wanted to mention this to anyone...and it even took me 10 or so days to tell my best friend whom I tell everything...)

1:30am on Dec. 1st I sat alone in the waiting room of the hospital as Arthur and Lindsay (with Ella in tummy) went into the birthing room. I sat down, and within 30 seconds my mind was filled with unpleasant memories and I began to cry. You see, the last time I was in a hospital room for a lengthy period of time, I was 16 years old, and my boyfriend-of-the-time was in the ICU in a coma. Suddenly my heart was overflowing with the emotions I felt so many years ago. My eyes panned the waiting room; I could see my highschool friends all sitting around, and I saw a vivid picture in my mind of a friend who sat with us, who has recently passed away. This brought me to remember more friends in the waiting room, and I recalled a 2nd friend in that waiting room who has since passed away as well. So, there I am: Sitting in the waiting room, wanting to be ecstatic about the soon-to-be birth of my niece, but instead I'm crying at the memory of 3 tragedies and overtaken by the emotions I had felt during each of their occurrences. As hard as I tried, I couldn't stop my thoughts, so I asked God to make me fall asleep in order to escape. I did for a few minutes and when I woke up I was more consumed with the thought of Ella than other things.

The excitement of Ella (my niece-incase you aren't up to date with my life, or my facebook, ha!) was more-than-enough to distract me for the next week. Also, my parents being in town helped keep me busy and entertained. However, once my parents left, and Ella no longer seemed like a new doll to play with, but a real girl who lives in my house-my reminiscences of the past began to rain on my happiness. Different things kept occurring to trigger unpleasant memories, and while I tried to sort through surfacing emotions, I also became quite agitated at my inability to move beyond events which occurred long ago. I've worked through, talked through, cried and tore my sackcloth (joking) with all of these episodes, so why am I plagued with depressing thoughts I've already come through? Why is it every so often I undergo weird flashbacks to difficult eras of life, and that they become so real to me I go back into depressed mindsets?


I jokingly made my facebook status (I'm so lame...) "Sarah has a spotted mind". The words together reminded me of Spotted Cow, the Wisconsin beer. However, these two hold no correlation, incase you were curious. Anyway, I was referring to the beloved phrased "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind". My mind is not spotless; it has spots, it has polka-dots even. And these polka-dots have made ridges in my heart and soul that my finger sometimes runs across, and falls into their deep carvings. I asked God how to handle these emotions, and received a few different answers which I am still unpacking and humbling (trying to humbly atleast) accept. The first idea which popped into my mind was a mental image of the ridges and dips in my heart/mind from the memories. I saw God's hand run across the uneven portions in gentle and soft strokes. Eventually, these bumps and raises leveled down due to the weight and touch of God's hand. The Enya song also popped into my head,
"Who can say if your love groves,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?

Who knows? Only time
Who knows? Only time"

I wish I was joking about Enya, ha-oh, but I'm not. HA! God also helped me recall verses such as:
Psalm 147:3 - He heals the broken hearted, and binds all of their wounds.
Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is near to the broken hearted, and saves those are who are crushed in spirit.

I know I can't allowed emotions to overwhelm me in unhealthy ways, and that the truth of situations must reign in mind more so than my thoughts and sadness concerning them. ...But I also was reminded by God (both in scripture and practically) that I have a problem sorting through deep emotions because I do not verbalize them. I'm quite the chatty Cathy, but as ...really only my family knows... even though I tell of things going on in my life, I often refuse to TRULY open up and TRULY tell the deep and weighty thoughts floating within myself.

God reminded me of what I used to declare would mark my life (and what I started too even write a book about, ha!). In 1 Samuel Hannah (Sam's mom) was mourning and crying about her closed womb. Her crying was so intense someone accused her of being drunk, and she said (paraphrased) "No, I am a woman who is deeply troubled, and I am pouring out my soul to the Lord." Hannah went on to have a son (miracle of God), and a son who impacted the Kingdom of God greatly! Her promises and goodness received from the Lord began with her openness before the Him. God also reminded me of what I've said I wish to mark my life NOW: humility. I'm not sure why, but I for some reason feel too prideful to show deep, deep sorrow, and can often stunt myself to healing wounds, or allow them to close up in ways not intended by God. I must humbly pour myself out.

My life is no different than any one elses, my unfortunate events and "sob stories" are not great in comparison to the situations in many others lives...but they have happened, and they have affected me. I must be humble, and I must pour myself out to God to move past reliving sorrow and into knowing the joy of the Lord.

I will not know the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind; memories are not erased, but their wounds are healed. ...And sometimes wounds are handled with such skill and care, they do not even leave a scar.


Over and out.