This morning I was lying in my bed dreading the action of sitting up and putting both bare feet on the hard ground. I continued to cover myself with a comforter and suffocate under my 5 pillows (excessive, I know) when I noticed sunlight finding its way into my room. My curtains are hanging sturdy, guarding my eyes from this brightness, but it is daylight outside now; the sun will shine and the light will seep into my dark room even though I use fabric in attempts to turn the day back into night.
As I bitterly stared at this long and thick line of sunlight shining on my wall, God spoke to me ever so clearly: I cannot change or alter seasons; I cannot hurry the Autumn along to Winter, nor change the day back to night. It's getting cold out whether I voted for or against the change of temperature. My only option is to put a sweater and gloves on and hope the heat in my car is still working. I may adore the cold or I may despise it -- either way, the temperature is dropping and will continue in the same patter for a while. But after Fall and after Winter, come a new season: Spring. And I can't rush or wish any time along. I can pray I survive the cold and that my sweaters stand strong against the snow, and I can even pray this season isn't a long one, but I cannot suddenly step outside of Autumn, or outside of the daytime. There is a time for everything, and no matter how long I look at the calender or clock, or whether I understand the reasoning and science for such changes -- it is Fall and it is day. I will prepare for the sunlight and dress for the cooler temperatures. It's my only option, and I will embrace it because it is where God has placed me.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Socrates the Cat, Peas and Nuts
I laugh, a lot. I laugh to myself, I laugh out loud and I laugh in an obnoxious loud cackle-like way.
So, remember Socrates the cat? The cat who was staring at me in what appeared to be a condescending and judgmental way? ...But I concluded he was just pondering self-worth and great wisdoms, so I didn't take it personally. Well, poor Socrates. I sit down in my car a bit ago, heated by the warm Autumn sun (what?) and notice a large sheet resting on my windshield. I hop out and grab the paper; Lord, please say the owner wasn't watching, because Socrates' picture was largely in the middle of the flyer, with a huge "LOST" stated above and...well, I laughed. The letters "l o s t" even have a sad face in the "o", and ya know, it is upsetting. Poor Socrates, all alone in the streets of Racine that are full of hoodlums, possums and very sexually active dragonflies (I felt like I was in the book of Exodus for a while--the locusts substituted for dragonflies, everywhere). To my defense, such laughter was unavoidable! Socrates had the same grumpy look in the picture, as if he was frowning at the very thought of my existence! His eyebrows (if cats have such a thing?) are hanging low over his bulging blue eyes and he looked as i f he might attack if you get too close to his thought bubble. I doubt Socrates is lost. I bet he's chosen to go on a walk-about through the streets, teaching and lecturing those thirsty for knowledge.
As I'm chuckling to myself on my drive away from this piece of paper and Socrates's former home, I wonder if anyone else would find these events funny?
There are "two peas in a pod"; there are 2 nuts in a shell, normally. But, there are lots of peas in a pod actually, and I don't think there are ANY peas in my pod. And sometimes the nuts I cracked open at Lonestar only housed one nut. Am I that one nut? Insane and giggling to myself; Incredibly content and amused, yet oblivious to the petrified on-lookers. I'm not bothered by the thought, but I have noticed I'm the only laughing in my classes at things I perceive to be blatantly humorous. I laugh, alone. It doesn't take away from the humor, but I do think hilarity would strengthen, should other bah ha ha's be added to my own.
Oh well. Farewell Socrates. I hope you make it home.
Over and out.
So, remember Socrates the cat? The cat who was staring at me in what appeared to be a condescending and judgmental way? ...But I concluded he was just pondering self-worth and great wisdoms, so I didn't take it personally. Well, poor Socrates. I sit down in my car a bit ago, heated by the warm Autumn sun (what?) and notice a large sheet resting on my windshield. I hop out and grab the paper; Lord, please say the owner wasn't watching, because Socrates' picture was largely in the middle of the flyer, with a huge "LOST" stated above and...well, I laughed. The letters "l o s t" even have a sad face in the "o", and ya know, it is upsetting. Poor Socrates, all alone in the streets of Racine that are full of hoodlums, possums and very sexually active dragonflies (I felt like I was in the book of Exodus for a while--the locusts substituted for dragonflies, everywhere). To my defense, such laughter was unavoidable! Socrates had the same grumpy look in the picture, as if he was frowning at the very thought of my existence! His eyebrows (if cats have such a thing?) are hanging low over his bulging blue eyes and he looked as i f he might attack if you get too close to his thought bubble. I doubt Socrates is lost. I bet he's chosen to go on a walk-about through the streets, teaching and lecturing those thirsty for knowledge.
As I'm chuckling to myself on my drive away from this piece of paper and Socrates's former home, I wonder if anyone else would find these events funny?
There are "two peas in a pod"; there are 2 nuts in a shell, normally. But, there are lots of peas in a pod actually, and I don't think there are ANY peas in my pod. And sometimes the nuts I cracked open at Lonestar only housed one nut. Am I that one nut? Insane and giggling to myself; Incredibly content and amused, yet oblivious to the petrified on-lookers. I'm not bothered by the thought, but I have noticed I'm the only laughing in my classes at things I perceive to be blatantly humorous. I laugh, alone. It doesn't take away from the humor, but I do think hilarity would strengthen, should other bah ha ha's be added to my own.
Oh well. Farewell Socrates. I hope you make it home.
Over and out.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Coping Mechanisms
I live in a state over a thousands miles away from my hospitable and beach-y hometown. I no longer hear crowds roar as "TOUCHDOWN - PIRAAATES" is proclaimed from the football stadium, not too far from my home. My parents are not a drive away and "Salmon Wednesdays" at their large wooden table are not listed in my day planner. My sister and brother-in-law aren't around the corner to tell jokes or steal my clothes. I never pass the neighborhood where I totalled my first car, my ever-growing elementary school is too far to catch a glimpse of and my favorite sushi place only tempts me in my mind-never because of its nearness.
I live in a new home now. I attend a university much different than the one I attended before, mainly because the one I first attended I saw every day for 20 years before I sat as student in its classrooms. I used to work in the office I visited as a young girl, and instead now I drive to a brick building void of memories. I have friends, but I'm not sure I could pick them out in baby pictures or name their 12-year-old woes.
I am surrounded by unfamiliarity. Nothing feels known or experienced, just...new. The food on my plates feels funny on my tongue, and my winter clothes feel odd layered on my body. I'm used to watermelon and sundresses, and now I have soup and heavy jackets. I love these new tastes and sounds, but sometimes I shockingly recall- this isn't what I've always known.
My brain plays tricks on me. I hear a raspy voice, and I turn around to see my old highschool friend. A car in the distance approaches, and I wait patiently for it to come close enough so I can wave to my Dad's ol' golfing buddy. Certain flips of hair, laughs and hippie shoes often assure me I'm seeing visions of home, but here's the thing: It's never my old buddy. It's never my third grade teacher or my gymnastics coach. It's a cold stranger, to which I hold no bond or memory.
I know I live in Wisconsin, and I know I don't have scrapbooks filled with the people and sounds of this winter wonderland, but my mind always seeks to familiarize the unknown around me. I can't seem to leave the adventure a mystery, or men and woman as strangers. Instead, I subconsciously cope by giving memories to the nameless immigrants walking this land. It's a sort of mental "blankie" I suppose; imaginary friends to help me feel secure when I realise all that's around me is foreign.
Yes, without my command, my mind chooses to cope by filtering the unknown into my only realm of known. I wonder when the day will come that I feel safe without recognizing what surrounds me, or is it I'll always live in this discomfort until I form a ground-work of memories that suffice for my desire for familiarity. I wonder...
Over and out.
I live in a new home now. I attend a university much different than the one I attended before, mainly because the one I first attended I saw every day for 20 years before I sat as student in its classrooms. I used to work in the office I visited as a young girl, and instead now I drive to a brick building void of memories. I have friends, but I'm not sure I could pick them out in baby pictures or name their 12-year-old woes.
I am surrounded by unfamiliarity. Nothing feels known or experienced, just...new. The food on my plates feels funny on my tongue, and my winter clothes feel odd layered on my body. I'm used to watermelon and sundresses, and now I have soup and heavy jackets. I love these new tastes and sounds, but sometimes I shockingly recall- this isn't what I've always known.
My brain plays tricks on me. I hear a raspy voice, and I turn around to see my old highschool friend. A car in the distance approaches, and I wait patiently for it to come close enough so I can wave to my Dad's ol' golfing buddy. Certain flips of hair, laughs and hippie shoes often assure me I'm seeing visions of home, but here's the thing: It's never my old buddy. It's never my third grade teacher or my gymnastics coach. It's a cold stranger, to which I hold no bond or memory.
I know I live in Wisconsin, and I know I don't have scrapbooks filled with the people and sounds of this winter wonderland, but my mind always seeks to familiarize the unknown around me. I can't seem to leave the adventure a mystery, or men and woman as strangers. Instead, I subconsciously cope by giving memories to the nameless immigrants walking this land. It's a sort of mental "blankie" I suppose; imaginary friends to help me feel secure when I realise all that's around me is foreign.
Yes, without my command, my mind chooses to cope by filtering the unknown into my only realm of known. I wonder when the day will come that I feel safe without recognizing what surrounds me, or is it I'll always live in this discomfort until I form a ground-work of memories that suffice for my desire for familiarity. I wonder...
Over and out.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Smell the Roses
I decided to write down my favorite insignificant details of my days. Here's my compilation of the week.
Sunday:
While working the closing shift for Caribou, a girl wearing a shirt straight out of the Spice Girl's Movie (white, belled out sleeves, and a perfect triangle view of her stomach revealed) came in with a pie. She sat at a table with another guy for a while, joking and laughing as many coffee-date couples do. At the end of the night she kindly offered me a piece of her home-made apple and cranberry pie. I accepted. I felt dangerous and alive, because of course-this pie could be made of apples straight off of the Wicked Step-Mother's Farm, and I just don't know what prince is out there to save me from my comatose sleep. However, rest assured folks...I ate some pie, and I survived. Taking baked goods from a stranger: check.
Monday:
a.) It's raining outside, and the dreariness from outdoors has carried itself into my class. However, when I look over at the young man answering the Professor's question in my Pol Sci class, he's wearing sunglasses. It's raining. It's dark. He's wearing sunglasses. Longish hair, a big fleece jacket, 90s jeans, and terrible 80s sunglasses. Good ol' Wisconsin.
b.) Taking place again in Caribou, some regulars of ours: Terry and Terry come in. A couple in their mid 50s, 2 Northern Lite Caramel Lattes. Terry (the guy one) shows us pictures of him on a cruise, paying $20 to drink a shot of his favorite liquor (he chose Crown of course) with, GET THIS, an amputated toe in the shot glass. If you let the toe touch your lips, you get a certificate. Who wouldn't complete this task for your own piece of paper to hang on the wall? I mean, really...
Tuesday:
a. I need to make a sitcom of the special helpers I come to know through my girlie expeditions to the gas station. I often put air in my tires, aaaand...let's face it, I need my dad because I seem to fall short in these handy-man, do-it-yourself areas. And women who are all-powerful and have conquered such duties, don't judge me. I could probably put together an award winning Punky Brewster outfit in a matter of seconds. No one will get that reference, *sigh*. Anyway, on this special Tuesday, a man who wore a sleeve of tattoos on both arms and a few more as a scarf for his neck approached me. I saw different languages, women's faces and words I'm not sure I wanted to understand. He graciously took the air pump out of my hands and did his thing with his special air-measuring tool. It was at this moment, I decided I should start taking pictures of the different men who offer help in these situations, because their range from Mr. Roger's to drug dealers on the corner is quite amusing....
b. Fall arrived on this day. Only in one tree; One red tree in a seemingly endless row of towering and dancing green trees. All the leaves twirled on their way to ground, and the one crimson dancer seemed to laugh as if it knew a secret of what was to come, a secret the other trees had to yet to hear.
Wednesday:
I made eye contact with a stranger at school. It made me realise what great lengths I go to avoid eye contact with people I don't want seeing into these two green windows of mine. Somehow, there is something so massively different than looking at someone, and looking into the eyes of someone.
Thursday:
a. I saw sunglasses kid in the hall. He's still wearing his sunglasses. It's still not sunny.
b. My philosophy professor went on the rant of a lifetime. How he jumped onto his soapbox, I am unsure... We were just explaining a rather small assignment of a 1-page paper in response to a philosophical theory. I wrote down a couple of my favorite quotes.:
"Most of you are not going to graduate."
"If you marry someone, you either go up or down. You marry up, or you marry down."
"You aren't going to be a classical pianist unless you were playing from the age of five. Be realistic, there's a Chinese boy who has been forced to play since he was five."
Friday:
a. I saw a large cat on the front porch. He looked like Socrates, if Socrates was a cat. He peered at me with judging eyes, but I bet he was just pondering the mysteries of the world and of himself, so I didn't take it personally.
b. Sunglasses kid was in class today. No sunglasses.
Saturday:
I drank a "Susie" for the first time. 2 Shots Espresso, a splash of Half&Half, and white chocolate. God bless coffee shops.
Over and out.
Sunday:
While working the closing shift for Caribou, a girl wearing a shirt straight out of the Spice Girl's Movie (white, belled out sleeves, and a perfect triangle view of her stomach revealed) came in with a pie. She sat at a table with another guy for a while, joking and laughing as many coffee-date couples do. At the end of the night she kindly offered me a piece of her home-made apple and cranberry pie. I accepted. I felt dangerous and alive, because of course-this pie could be made of apples straight off of the Wicked Step-Mother's Farm, and I just don't know what prince is out there to save me from my comatose sleep. However, rest assured folks...I ate some pie, and I survived. Taking baked goods from a stranger: check.
Monday:
a.) It's raining outside, and the dreariness from outdoors has carried itself into my class. However, when I look over at the young man answering the Professor's question in my Pol Sci class, he's wearing sunglasses. It's raining. It's dark. He's wearing sunglasses. Longish hair, a big fleece jacket, 90s jeans, and terrible 80s sunglasses. Good ol' Wisconsin.
b.) Taking place again in Caribou, some regulars of ours: Terry and Terry come in. A couple in their mid 50s, 2 Northern Lite Caramel Lattes. Terry (the guy one) shows us pictures of him on a cruise, paying $20 to drink a shot of his favorite liquor (he chose Crown of course) with, GET THIS, an amputated toe in the shot glass. If you let the toe touch your lips, you get a certificate. Who wouldn't complete this task for your own piece of paper to hang on the wall? I mean, really...
Tuesday:
a. I need to make a sitcom of the special helpers I come to know through my girlie expeditions to the gas station. I often put air in my tires, aaaand...let's face it, I need my dad because I seem to fall short in these handy-man, do-it-yourself areas. And women who are all-powerful and have conquered such duties, don't judge me. I could probably put together an award winning Punky Brewster outfit in a matter of seconds. No one will get that reference, *sigh*. Anyway, on this special Tuesday, a man who wore a sleeve of tattoos on both arms and a few more as a scarf for his neck approached me. I saw different languages, women's faces and words I'm not sure I wanted to understand. He graciously took the air pump out of my hands and did his thing with his special air-measuring tool. It was at this moment, I decided I should start taking pictures of the different men who offer help in these situations, because their range from Mr. Roger's to drug dealers on the corner is quite amusing....
b. Fall arrived on this day. Only in one tree; One red tree in a seemingly endless row of towering and dancing green trees. All the leaves twirled on their way to ground, and the one crimson dancer seemed to laugh as if it knew a secret of what was to come, a secret the other trees had to yet to hear.
Wednesday:
I made eye contact with a stranger at school. It made me realise what great lengths I go to avoid eye contact with people I don't want seeing into these two green windows of mine. Somehow, there is something so massively different than looking at someone, and looking into the eyes of someone.
Thursday:
a. I saw sunglasses kid in the hall. He's still wearing his sunglasses. It's still not sunny.
b. My philosophy professor went on the rant of a lifetime. How he jumped onto his soapbox, I am unsure... We were just explaining a rather small assignment of a 1-page paper in response to a philosophical theory. I wrote down a couple of my favorite quotes.:
"Most of you are not going to graduate."
"If you marry someone, you either go up or down. You marry up, or you marry down."
"You aren't going to be a classical pianist unless you were playing from the age of five. Be realistic, there's a Chinese boy who has been forced to play since he was five."
Friday:
a. I saw a large cat on the front porch. He looked like Socrates, if Socrates was a cat. He peered at me with judging eyes, but I bet he was just pondering the mysteries of the world and of himself, so I didn't take it personally.
b. Sunglasses kid was in class today. No sunglasses.
Saturday:
I drank a "Susie" for the first time. 2 Shots Espresso, a splash of Half&Half, and white chocolate. God bless coffee shops.
Over and out.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Fairy Tales Alive in My Mind
Today, three geese were squawking as I walked into Parkside's large brick building. It was as if the birds had something vitally important to share; Soon after, they flapped their wings and flew so closely by, that I felt I could grab a hold of one wing to be wisped away.
I couldn't help but continue wondering what message they wanted to bring. Was a storm coming? Is there a warning to be given, or a message to be delivered? And where were they flying to once they noticed no one wanted to listen to their words? There were 4 or 5 geese standing atop another building with feet dug into their ground, but these 3 geese, perplexed with their reports, did not remain in the cold wind but flew away from the deaf listeners.
I just watched, confused. Mind racing.
I longed for heaven in this moment. And I don't know that I can even cleverly sum up this feeling with my small words... As the geese flew by, I thought of reaching up to ask for a ride into the grey and damp sky, but I knew they wouldn't understand such a favor. Never before have I been frustrated by the language barrier between man and animal, but today..I wanted to understand, and be understood. I wanted creation to cry out in a way that I could comprehend their exclamations. Life is more than what's standing tangible before me, this I know. There are pictures beyond what my natural eye can see, and words spoken in small whispers that I long to tune my ears to hear!
I want to hear the wind howl, and understand the tone of its words! I want to see heavenly reflections in tear-shaped raindrops falling from the skies. I want to hear prophetic notions from birds of the sky!
I wish to expound upon my strange thinking, but I feel it only digs my hole deeper into insanity. I will leave it alone, take as you will :).
Over and out.
I couldn't help but continue wondering what message they wanted to bring. Was a storm coming? Is there a warning to be given, or a message to be delivered? And where were they flying to once they noticed no one wanted to listen to their words? There were 4 or 5 geese standing atop another building with feet dug into their ground, but these 3 geese, perplexed with their reports, did not remain in the cold wind but flew away from the deaf listeners.
I just watched, confused. Mind racing.
I longed for heaven in this moment. And I don't know that I can even cleverly sum up this feeling with my small words... As the geese flew by, I thought of reaching up to ask for a ride into the grey and damp sky, but I knew they wouldn't understand such a favor. Never before have I been frustrated by the language barrier between man and animal, but today..I wanted to understand, and be understood. I wanted creation to cry out in a way that I could comprehend their exclamations. Life is more than what's standing tangible before me, this I know. There are pictures beyond what my natural eye can see, and words spoken in small whispers that I long to tune my ears to hear!
I want to hear the wind howl, and understand the tone of its words! I want to see heavenly reflections in tear-shaped raindrops falling from the skies. I want to hear prophetic notions from birds of the sky!
I wish to expound upon my strange thinking, but I feel it only digs my hole deeper into insanity. I will leave it alone, take as you will :).
Over and out.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Just....words.
It's not a poem, or a put-together thought or a proper blog... Just words I suppose.
I'm not sure who I'm becoming, but I know its far from who I've been
The colors I see have brightened, and my thoughts have come to rest in a dream-like state
I have nothing but love and ideas to give
And words bring more comfort to me than a warm touch
Unknown hours no longer produce fear
In fact, I laugh at the days to come
A morning coffee overrides a night's sleep
And innocence seems more attainable though I am stained
I feel free to fly away
I feel rooted deep within the ground
A plucked string plays melodies that wisp me away from my standing
And a kite captures the wind in the way similar to how I float upon Your promises.
I am able to sail
I am able to soar
I am not afraid,
I am not afraid.
Over and out :).
I'm not sure who I'm becoming, but I know its far from who I've been
The colors I see have brightened, and my thoughts have come to rest in a dream-like state
I have nothing but love and ideas to give
And words bring more comfort to me than a warm touch
Unknown hours no longer produce fear
In fact, I laugh at the days to come
A morning coffee overrides a night's sleep
And innocence seems more attainable though I am stained
I feel free to fly away
I feel rooted deep within the ground
A plucked string plays melodies that wisp me away from my standing
And a kite captures the wind in the way similar to how I float upon Your promises.
I am able to sail
I am able to soar
I am not afraid,
I am not afraid.
Over and out :).
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What do you see?
Here's the thing. I should be doing 1 million things besides 'this' right now. I was meant to drive to V&C, but there were some car issues. Reading and good ol' school work awaits me, laundry is in the utility room needing it's cleaning process to somehow come to an end, my room is a hot mess and I could always get online to do some insurance work. Instead, I'm taking a moment to sit and ponder with my computer and singing friend (Bon Iver, of course).
Last Monday as I was making my bed (which I'll sadly admit, has become a rare chore I complete lately), I found a little strip of paper resembling a fortune from a fortune cookie. I said a quick prayer much to the effect of "Lord, please let this be prophetic!" before laying eyes on this mysterious message. It's contents I knew would be a complete surprise to me because I'm not a Chinese food type girl, and I really have no clue how it found its way into my sheets. Reaching, hoping and praying - I read the words, "You will find a new challenge this week". Oh? A new challenge? Great, just what I wanted. Well, as they say, "Careful what you pray for"...I mean, okay - what they really say is "careful what you wish for", but I needed to make this phrase applicable for my story, so work with me here.
Last Monday seems so far away, for what I've seen and learned since then I can barely begin to type into this small box. I learned in my philosophy class (greatest class ever, by the way) that the way we perceive ourselves to look physically, is actually a bit distorted in comparison to our true outward appearance. We don't see what others see, we see a mirror image of ourselves because that's all that's available to us. I got to thinking, what if I find myself better looking than I am? Or what if the flaws I secretly wish away are less noticeable to others? How will I ever know how other's see me next to how I see myself? Who correctly sees me for who I am? Is my perception of my appearance right, or others'? Who is the judge of this? Through a series of events, tears and sit-ins in the corner of Starbucks - God has spoken to me of who I am in a way that no mirror, picture, nor person can hold any opinion to.
You see, often our realisation of short-comings begin to taint our idea of ourselves. I've made mistakes and I failed. I've fallen flat on my face and tried to come to grips with the scars I figured would not fade. In where I thought I was having wisdom in lessening what I thought of myself, God said I was hiding what He made and what is beautiful in His sight. A mistake or a scar does not become the image of who we are. We are not defined by our failures or losses, and we aren't even defined by our victories or the times we have overcome - we are defined by the words of God, and what He's done on the cross. If He says He's nailed my sins to the cross, and taken away my debt - I am free, and I am sinless. There is not a record of where I've fallen short, and there should be one in my mind. I don't have old habits to fear or hide from. I don't have to walk in worry of falling into the sin I once knew, because it's gone. It's erased and its no more - its not a trap to fall into once again, because my feet are on firm ground. Something happened in the past few days where I cried out to God, "Where is my safety net? You've taken it away and I feel I have no net to catch me if I fall..." He quickly responded to me and said, "Your obedience to Me is your safety net". It's as simple as that. I can run and skip and dance, and if I'm choosing obedience I still may fall -but I fall safely into Him. Maybe my writings here to too vague to hit home with anyone else, but this has radically changed me. I was gripped and paralyzed by such a need to avoid mistakes I felt so prone to, but if I continue in obedience, I find rest and peace with Him. I do not have a disposition towards anything but success and God's glory when I am given to His purposes. God is FOR me and has defined me by His perfect and loving nature.
I am who He says I am, I am not what my past holds record of.
Over and out.
Last Monday as I was making my bed (which I'll sadly admit, has become a rare chore I complete lately), I found a little strip of paper resembling a fortune from a fortune cookie. I said a quick prayer much to the effect of "Lord, please let this be prophetic!" before laying eyes on this mysterious message. It's contents I knew would be a complete surprise to me because I'm not a Chinese food type girl, and I really have no clue how it found its way into my sheets. Reaching, hoping and praying - I read the words, "You will find a new challenge this week". Oh? A new challenge? Great, just what I wanted. Well, as they say, "Careful what you pray for"...I mean, okay - what they really say is "careful what you wish for", but I needed to make this phrase applicable for my story, so work with me here.
Last Monday seems so far away, for what I've seen and learned since then I can barely begin to type into this small box. I learned in my philosophy class (greatest class ever, by the way) that the way we perceive ourselves to look physically, is actually a bit distorted in comparison to our true outward appearance. We don't see what others see, we see a mirror image of ourselves because that's all that's available to us. I got to thinking, what if I find myself better looking than I am? Or what if the flaws I secretly wish away are less noticeable to others? How will I ever know how other's see me next to how I see myself? Who correctly sees me for who I am? Is my perception of my appearance right, or others'? Who is the judge of this? Through a series of events, tears and sit-ins in the corner of Starbucks - God has spoken to me of who I am in a way that no mirror, picture, nor person can hold any opinion to.
You see, often our realisation of short-comings begin to taint our idea of ourselves. I've made mistakes and I failed. I've fallen flat on my face and tried to come to grips with the scars I figured would not fade. In where I thought I was having wisdom in lessening what I thought of myself, God said I was hiding what He made and what is beautiful in His sight. A mistake or a scar does not become the image of who we are. We are not defined by our failures or losses, and we aren't even defined by our victories or the times we have overcome - we are defined by the words of God, and what He's done on the cross. If He says He's nailed my sins to the cross, and taken away my debt - I am free, and I am sinless. There is not a record of where I've fallen short, and there should be one in my mind. I don't have old habits to fear or hide from. I don't have to walk in worry of falling into the sin I once knew, because it's gone. It's erased and its no more - its not a trap to fall into once again, because my feet are on firm ground. Something happened in the past few days where I cried out to God, "Where is my safety net? You've taken it away and I feel I have no net to catch me if I fall..." He quickly responded to me and said, "Your obedience to Me is your safety net". It's as simple as that. I can run and skip and dance, and if I'm choosing obedience I still may fall -but I fall safely into Him. Maybe my writings here to too vague to hit home with anyone else, but this has radically changed me. I was gripped and paralyzed by such a need to avoid mistakes I felt so prone to, but if I continue in obedience, I find rest and peace with Him. I do not have a disposition towards anything but success and God's glory when I am given to His purposes. God is FOR me and has defined me by His perfect and loving nature.
I am who He says I am, I am not what my past holds record of.
Over and out.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
If all the raindrops were candy drops and gum drops....
I don't have anything profound or revelatory to share, and I won't go into some metaphor to secretly disguise my thoughts towards certain situations. I just wanted to recap my life for a minute, for no one's benefit but my own. I need to reflect and process and thank God.
Pro's of life:
I am in school for something I LOVE.
I am living with a beautiful and Godly family.
I have an awesome job at the coffee shop I frequented all of last year.
My church family and leaders are the abundant blessing of God in my life.
My professors (so far) seem to be incredible, and God in a very strategic and evident way shaped my next semester.
It's becoming Fall, my most awaited time of the year is here!
Sadness's of life:
I am poor. Ooooooh, how I am poor (in American standards, not the world's).
I am now in debt, which is lame.
I have no family by me. They are all 1000 miles away.
I desperately miss my family, I miss my home.
I miss my friends.
In a fury to bring tears to my eyes, my car died. And it costs lots of money to rebirth this clunky junky.
The other day I was praying and recognizing what a life lived with God is. These past Fall days I have whimpered and moaned at the testing of anxiety and patience in my life. It is difficult when one feels alone and without all needed resources to successfully make it through the day. It's hard; It feels like I'm trudging slowly through swamps and black mud that stains my shoes and attire. Yet somehow, through my tears, my heart greatly rejoices in what my hours are filled by! In the morning, I learn! I learn and I soak up knowledge of subjects and topics so dear to my heart. In the afternoon, I make and drink coffee. The times passes with giggles and giving people their espresso for the day. I then come home to a family who may not be my own, but cares deeply for my well-being and growth. Somehow God has changed the capacity of my emotions and the depths of my heart to hold both trials and tears, as well as the utter joy and enthusiam towards my current paths! This is life.
Childish as this may appear, here's how I'm processing my current situations:
If I could paint a picture of my life right now, I'd paint a dark and dreary storm. Grey skies would be unleashing treacherous winds and raindrops large enough to flood the ground my feet stood on. Trees would be knocked down, and maybe even some birds and cows being tossed into the night air (you know, Twister style...). I'd be standing in the middle of this painting with the evidence of the storm in my wet clothes and long windblown frizzy hair. Yet, my purple rain boots will dress my feet and protect them from the cold. A large Mary Poppins style umbrella will hang magically above my head to keep dry atleast the tops of my shoulders. ...And I'll hold an icecream cone tasting a bit of sweetness in the middle of this storm. I don't need an icecream shoppe to enjoy my treat, nor do I need to be weeping to follow suite with the rain.
I think this storm will continue to pour until it floods, and I'm sure an ark will become my new home among the waters. This is the season of life I'm in-learning to be content in all circumstances. Learning to embrace bits sunshine (or icecream) in the dreariest of days. However, one day-the dove will bring an olive branch and I'll find green life and land again. Thank You God for the life this rain will one day bring, thank You for the icecream and umbrella, and thank You for Your different seasons.
Okay, I went back into a metaphor which I said I wouldn't. Sorry 'bout that.
Over and out.
Pro's of life:
I am in school for something I LOVE.
I am living with a beautiful and Godly family.
I have an awesome job at the coffee shop I frequented all of last year.
My church family and leaders are the abundant blessing of God in my life.
My professors (so far) seem to be incredible, and God in a very strategic and evident way shaped my next semester.
It's becoming Fall, my most awaited time of the year is here!
Sadness's of life:
I am poor. Ooooooh, how I am poor (in American standards, not the world's).
I am now in debt, which is lame.
I have no family by me. They are all 1000 miles away.
I desperately miss my family, I miss my home.
I miss my friends.
In a fury to bring tears to my eyes, my car died. And it costs lots of money to rebirth this clunky junky.
The other day I was praying and recognizing what a life lived with God is. These past Fall days I have whimpered and moaned at the testing of anxiety and patience in my life. It is difficult when one feels alone and without all needed resources to successfully make it through the day. It's hard; It feels like I'm trudging slowly through swamps and black mud that stains my shoes and attire. Yet somehow, through my tears, my heart greatly rejoices in what my hours are filled by! In the morning, I learn! I learn and I soak up knowledge of subjects and topics so dear to my heart. In the afternoon, I make and drink coffee. The times passes with giggles and giving people their espresso for the day. I then come home to a family who may not be my own, but cares deeply for my well-being and growth. Somehow God has changed the capacity of my emotions and the depths of my heart to hold both trials and tears, as well as the utter joy and enthusiam towards my current paths! This is life.
Childish as this may appear, here's how I'm processing my current situations:
If I could paint a picture of my life right now, I'd paint a dark and dreary storm. Grey skies would be unleashing treacherous winds and raindrops large enough to flood the ground my feet stood on. Trees would be knocked down, and maybe even some birds and cows being tossed into the night air (you know, Twister style...). I'd be standing in the middle of this painting with the evidence of the storm in my wet clothes and long windblown frizzy hair. Yet, my purple rain boots will dress my feet and protect them from the cold. A large Mary Poppins style umbrella will hang magically above my head to keep dry atleast the tops of my shoulders. ...And I'll hold an icecream cone tasting a bit of sweetness in the middle of this storm. I don't need an icecream shoppe to enjoy my treat, nor do I need to be weeping to follow suite with the rain.
I think this storm will continue to pour until it floods, and I'm sure an ark will become my new home among the waters. This is the season of life I'm in-learning to be content in all circumstances. Learning to embrace bits sunshine (or icecream) in the dreariest of days. However, one day-the dove will bring an olive branch and I'll find green life and land again. Thank You God for the life this rain will one day bring, thank You for the icecream and umbrella, and thank You for Your different seasons.
Okay, I went back into a metaphor which I said I wouldn't. Sorry 'bout that.
Over and out.
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Stoplights of My Life...
Green means go. Red means stop. Yellow means....
What does yellow mean? Is it commanding a driver to slow down, for the dreaded color red is quickly approaching? ...Or is it a hint to speed up in order to avoid a forced halt. Yield, or speed. Be cautious or be hasty. Yellow lights overwhelm me with nervousness. How does one know when the banana shade light will turn into an apple? My mind freezes in a quiet panic from being forced into a quick decision of which pedal to choose, gas or break?. Escape death dangerously, or prematurely come to a stop? What do I choose? What's safest; most efficient; what's best?
Even when a light paints itself green, I anxiously await the turning of yellow. All enjoyment from freely driving at a set speed is completely lost from my fear of the green too quickly morphing into yellow.
Red. Now there's a color I'm comfortable with. Stop. Sit. Don't move. Wait - whether its a patient waiting or an agitated one - there's only one option. Red means stop, and there's no getting around it. No choices to make, or fears to have. Just...waiting. I like red. Hey, I love red. It's when the red turns to green, and then to yellow that I'm left over thinking each move. It's a constant watching of the traffic lights, really. ...But when you're driving a 2 ton vehicle that can cause great harm, red lights give a great sense of comfort. Especially when you're driving through unknown land. However, in order to get from one place to the other - green and yellow must be present.
The Lord is near, be anxious for nothing. Green means go, red means stop. Yellow means....
Over and out.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Ashes
What's a girl to do when insomnia strikes, yet again? Sit. And think. I read poetry aloud for a bit, and while that more-likely-than-not sounds pretty cheesy, it was wonderfully entertaining. However, now I am trying to rest with the lights out to cause my eyes to grow tired, so I had to close my book. The florescent glow from the laptop screen fights against that anti-light action, huh?
I don't know that I have much to say, at least not that I can post online. I often wish there were no restraints in my expressing thoughts and emotion from the day, but any ounce of wisdom knows different. My poor friends. I tell ya, I've got the best ones - I have daily outburst of pure bliss and outraging anger all meshed together. My spectrum of emotion amazes me. I can end up grounded and with a godly attitude, but those first few moments (okay, at times hours) are outrageous. Honestly, I need to get better at that. There's something in my nature (maybe all of human nature) that feels the necessity of pouring out the heart, even when its harmful. It's like when people make themselves vomit to feel better when they have a woosy stomach. We make ourselves word-vomit in efforts to calm roaring emotions, but instead of giving peace to the storm we form a habit of purging forth what should of remained inside. Deep breaths and a bit of ginger ale could solve the problem, really.
The things that get me "up in arms" should be no surprise. Before the summer began, God spoke to me clearly about throwing everything into the fire. It would be a time of testing, to see what would burn and what would remain. Yet while I understood the season of tossing aside what I held onto, I didn't prepare myself for watching the fire ravish what I once held dear. I almost want to run into the flames to rescue what's not already turned to ashes, but I know I can't. I must sit, silently; This trial must run its course. There's nothing I can do, but count it as loss for the sake of knowing Him.
....But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus Christ. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. Philippians 3
Over and out.
I don't know that I have much to say, at least not that I can post online. I often wish there were no restraints in my expressing thoughts and emotion from the day, but any ounce of wisdom knows different. My poor friends. I tell ya, I've got the best ones - I have daily outburst of pure bliss and outraging anger all meshed together. My spectrum of emotion amazes me. I can end up grounded and with a godly attitude, but those first few moments (okay, at times hours) are outrageous. Honestly, I need to get better at that. There's something in my nature (maybe all of human nature) that feels the necessity of pouring out the heart, even when its harmful. It's like when people make themselves vomit to feel better when they have a woosy stomach. We make ourselves word-vomit in efforts to calm roaring emotions, but instead of giving peace to the storm we form a habit of purging forth what should of remained inside. Deep breaths and a bit of ginger ale could solve the problem, really.
The things that get me "up in arms" should be no surprise. Before the summer began, God spoke to me clearly about throwing everything into the fire. It would be a time of testing, to see what would burn and what would remain. Yet while I understood the season of tossing aside what I held onto, I didn't prepare myself for watching the fire ravish what I once held dear. I almost want to run into the flames to rescue what's not already turned to ashes, but I know I can't. I must sit, silently; This trial must run its course. There's nothing I can do, but count it as loss for the sake of knowing Him.
....But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus Christ. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. Philippians 3
Over and out.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Toothpaste and Adulthood
I haven't slept in days. I keep typing and deleting, unsure of what exactly it is I'm trying to say. When I'm sleep deprived (which I think its currently the worst its ever been), my mind develops a mental block when searching for words. If you ever watched the show "Doug" on Nickelodeon it's like I'm Skeeter's dad - He would always say, "Can you pass me the uh....uh....uh...." until another person chimed in "the butter?". I wish I had someone in my room right now to finish my thoughts, to fill in the blanks where my mind forces a pause upon my speech. It's a strange thing when my thoughts feel so empty, yet continue spinning wildly in some sort of windstorm at the same time. The feeling is much like when you stand motionless, but the room turns rapidly around you, as if there's a race to see who can spin their way into the center of the earth first. Paralyzed, yet out of control - the status of my thoughts exactly.
I brushed my teeth in the shower a few minutes ago. I've never done that before, yet I had the sudden urge to tonight. This new way of accomplishing an every-day task probably won't make its way into my routine. The water is hot - it's like brushing your teeth with coffee. And tooth paste was getting everywhere - I don't much appreciate it's consistency anywhere but my toothbrush. I'm glad I did it though - Giving into desires is my new thing. I suppose that could sound immoral in some way, but I haven't the energy to justify or define exactly what I mean. ...But you know - you crave a cookie, devour it. You feel like crying, let the crocodile tears roll. So on, and so forth.
Moving on...
When do we become adults? How do we know we've reached that certain point of maturity? Or is it that others notice this sudden wisdom, and that's how we know "its" been attained. I know God's spoken to me about making me into a woman this past year, and I can feel its affects and changes, however I still feel so young. As a child I imagined anyone married as being an adult. While, I'm not married - I am of age, but I don't feel as if I've reached some new point in my life where coffee doesn't taste so bitter and I get great pleasure out of vacuuming. ...And when walking down the isle to my husband, should that day come, I can't imagine the adult fairy dust filling the air. In fact, I imagine I'll feel quite the opposite - hoping and praying God's grace evidences itself more than ever. My parents always tell me they still feel like teenagers, perhaps
I inherited this Peter Pan gene from them. I wonder when Jesus felt He became a man - He certainly wasn't a resident of Never, Never Land. Oh, this awkward transition time of life - how long will it last?
Over and out.
I brushed my teeth in the shower a few minutes ago. I've never done that before, yet I had the sudden urge to tonight. This new way of accomplishing an every-day task probably won't make its way into my routine. The water is hot - it's like brushing your teeth with coffee. And tooth paste was getting everywhere - I don't much appreciate it's consistency anywhere but my toothbrush. I'm glad I did it though - Giving into desires is my new thing. I suppose that could sound immoral in some way, but I haven't the energy to justify or define exactly what I mean. ...But you know - you crave a cookie, devour it. You feel like crying, let the crocodile tears roll. So on, and so forth.
Moving on...
When do we become adults? How do we know we've reached that certain point of maturity? Or is it that others notice this sudden wisdom, and that's how we know "its" been attained. I know God's spoken to me about making me into a woman this past year, and I can feel its affects and changes, however I still feel so young. As a child I imagined anyone married as being an adult. While, I'm not married - I am of age, but I don't feel as if I've reached some new point in my life where coffee doesn't taste so bitter and I get great pleasure out of vacuuming. ...And when walking down the isle to my husband, should that day come, I can't imagine the adult fairy dust filling the air. In fact, I imagine I'll feel quite the opposite - hoping and praying God's grace evidences itself more than ever. My parents always tell me they still feel like teenagers, perhaps
I inherited this Peter Pan gene from them. I wonder when Jesus felt He became a man - He certainly wasn't a resident of Never, Never Land. Oh, this awkward transition time of life - how long will it last?Over and out.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Mermaids, and Unicorns and Snickerdoodles. Oh, my!
When I was a girl I dreamed of becoming a marine biologist, and at the seasoned age of fifty I would transition into a state Senator. I've always imagined and planned and dreamed. I knew just how I could accomplish such tasks, and I worked towards it. I wanted a boat, so I saved my pennies. I wanted to swim the dolphins, so I scooted off to Wilmington one summer to learn about jellyfish and the fascinating world of seaweed. Dream, and make plans; Create a blueprint and walk along the well-lit path.
Tonight I was pondering... Why were my dreams, even as a young child, so attainable? Now, owning a boat at age 5, and making it into office as a Senator is perhaps a bit below what many view as realistic. However, it is in the realm of the possible. Why didn't I talk about being a princess? Why didn't I want to ride a unicorn to school in the morning? Why were my Barbies making friends at "Scoops Icecream" instead of swimming through magical lands and being trapped in hidden dungeons. Then there's also this question: why am I so suddenly so caught up in what I know is not real. I, in all honesty, have thought about the beauty of a unicorn. I've thought about the dresses I'd wear if I rode one and the different journeys I'd take. I dream of a mermaid's life and beauty. I aspire to her long beautiful hair, and her without-a-care days.
The reasoning of my absurd thoughts:
I want to dream big enough that plans cannot even be made. I've planned, and re-planned for the entirety of my life. I've had plan "A", plan "B", plan "C", and plan "SUCK-nothing's working out and I'm desperate for any path". From now on my dreams will be so starry-nighted, I'll only know a mere direction in which I'll take a step. The penciled-in plans are erased and I'm going to run with the cards I've been dealt. ...Even if that means running blindly. I'll lose attachments to anything and everything. I hold so much close to my heart, and whatever rests in your heart roots itself in your life. I don't want to have roots, I want to be free. Empty handed, and a heart void of anything but solid truth. I'm setting my eye on eternity, princesses, Snickerdoodle (my labradoodle dog - I'll explain another day), and unicorns.
God, point me in a direction and let me go. Castles in the sky, and a chariot to take me to there. I realise I sound a bit Alice in Wonderland-ish, but I need it. I need dreams that require unwavering faith to become reality. I need hope for something more than the "American Dream". I want to taste fairy tales and feel joyous imperfection.
"I've got my life in a suitcase, and I'm ready to run, run, run away. Cause every day it feels like its only a game..."
Over and out.
Tonight I was pondering... Why were my dreams, even as a young child, so attainable? Now, owning a boat at age 5, and making it into office as a Senator is perhaps a bit below what many view as realistic. However, it is in the realm of the possible. Why didn't I talk about being a princess? Why didn't I want to ride a unicorn to school in the morning? Why were my Barbies making friends at "Scoops Icecream" instead of swimming through magical lands and being trapped in hidden dungeons. Then there's also this question: why am I so suddenly so caught up in what I know is not real. I, in all honesty, have thought about the beauty of a unicorn. I've thought about the dresses I'd wear if I rode one and the different journeys I'd take. I dream of a mermaid's life and beauty. I aspire to her long beautiful hair, and her without-a-care days.
The reasoning of my absurd thoughts:
I want to dream big enough that plans cannot even be made. I've planned, and re-planned for the entirety of my life. I've had plan "A", plan "B", plan "C", and plan "SUCK-nothing's working out and I'm desperate for any path". From now on my dreams will be so starry-nighted, I'll only know a mere direction in which I'll take a step. The penciled-in plans are erased and I'm going to run with the cards I've been dealt. ...Even if that means running blindly. I'll lose attachments to anything and everything. I hold so much close to my heart, and whatever rests in your heart roots itself in your life. I don't want to have roots, I want to be free. Empty handed, and a heart void of anything but solid truth. I'm setting my eye on eternity, princesses, Snickerdoodle (my labradoodle dog - I'll explain another day), and unicorns.
God, point me in a direction and let me go. Castles in the sky, and a chariot to take me to there. I realise I sound a bit Alice in Wonderland-ish, but I need it. I need dreams that require unwavering faith to become reality. I need hope for something more than the "American Dream". I want to taste fairy tales and feel joyous imperfection.
"I've got my life in a suitcase, and I'm ready to run, run, run away. Cause every day it feels like its only a game..."
Over and out.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Leavin' on a Jet Plane
Well, I'm sitting in the Charlotte airport for a couple MORE hours because I missed my flight due to my forgetting to change my phone to the correct time zone. It lamely does not change on its own. ....It's a bit funny though, except for my poor parents who have to stay up in order to come and get me.
Late, late for a very important date. I'm flying to North Carolina for a few weeks. Amusingly enough (well, perhaps it's only humorous to me) it was this time last year I was moving from NC to Wisconsin - and now I'm flying from WI to NC. Boing, boing - back and forth I go. One year ago.... My, my how much changes in a year. At the risk of coming off as emotional and dramatic, these past several months I firmly believe have transformed me from a girl into a woman. So be it, if it's a bit late for this to be occurring, it has happened and I am more than aware of its bumpy dirt roads, high and low valleys, rain clouds and sunshine. While my quarter life crisis has not yet resolved itself, I have found a bit more of who I am. Or rather, who God declares I am. My learning has not been without mistake, however I pray and hope both my triumphs and trials have ended with humility as my crown.
I've been thinking to myself, "What was my greatest lesson learned?" My conclusion: Life, in my eyes, does not make sense. Plans don't always come to pass, no matter how organized and well-thought out they are; people put on masks sometimes even the most trained eye cannot see past; what you think is sensible is not always what God knows to be best.
The miracle of the Red Sea fills my thoughts often. There was a teaching at my church recently about "enjoying the process". This meaning we should 'count it as joy' as we undergo difficult times and trials with the understanding we cannot simply suffer through the path that leads us through maturity, but we should endure with perseverance and enjoy the road that leads us there. Scott (the man who taught this) said something to the affect of "Everyone wants to see the Red Sea parted. However, no one wants to be chased by an army full of men with no logical place to go". The Israelites saw the miracle because they were placed in an impossible situation. We want the miracle without the circumstance that needs the supernatural solution. This revelation cut to the heart. Especially because God had spoken to me a couple of weeks earlier about the path the Israelites took to the Red Sea. You see, the quickest path from where they were to the Red Sea, was through the Philistine countryside. It would of been logical and on most accounts the "wise" thing to do for them to cut directly through the Philistine roads. God, being full of practical wisdom would of approved of the most time-efficient way, right? Well, no. God knew there was fighting going on in this area, and understood His children would become scared if they saw this. Rather than continue advancing towards the Red Sea, the Israelits would instead turn and run back to Egypt. Is God not able to protect them from these wars and fighting men? Why, of course He is. ...But He understood the condition of His children's hearts, and therefore led them through the wilderness to the Red Sea to protect them possible doubt and fear. I feel if I were in a conversation with the Lord discussing which path to take in this situation, I would of completely battled for the more time-efficient, productive and practical way. In my own pride and ignorance I would fail to recognize God's omniscience and chosen my own way instead of trusting God's knowledge.
Just because life can at times go against what I see as right or wisdom, does not mean what appears is always what is. We must firstly trust God, and be led by His Spirit - not by what we see. There are most certainly times where what we view as wisdom lines up with God's wisdom, but just as likely is our conclusion being the opposite of God's solution. What makes sense to me is not always correct. I must hear and ask God before I come to ANY conclusion in my mind. I cannot always see the war taking place on the path I desire to walk, nor foresee the danger in my heart if I were to follow paths into these ware zones. I must trust - and because of this trust I must choose to follow. Trust, then follow.
Over and out.
Late, late for a very important date. I'm flying to North Carolina for a few weeks. Amusingly enough (well, perhaps it's only humorous to me) it was this time last year I was moving from NC to Wisconsin - and now I'm flying from WI to NC. Boing, boing - back and forth I go. One year ago.... My, my how much changes in a year. At the risk of coming off as emotional and dramatic, these past several months I firmly believe have transformed me from a girl into a woman. So be it, if it's a bit late for this to be occurring, it has happened and I am more than aware of its bumpy dirt roads, high and low valleys, rain clouds and sunshine. While my quarter life crisis has not yet resolved itself, I have found a bit more of who I am. Or rather, who God declares I am. My learning has not been without mistake, however I pray and hope both my triumphs and trials have ended with humility as my crown.
I've been thinking to myself, "What was my greatest lesson learned?" My conclusion: Life, in my eyes, does not make sense. Plans don't always come to pass, no matter how organized and well-thought out they are; people put on masks sometimes even the most trained eye cannot see past; what you think is sensible is not always what God knows to be best.
The miracle of the Red Sea fills my thoughts often. There was a teaching at my church recently about "enjoying the process". This meaning we should 'count it as joy' as we undergo difficult times and trials with the understanding we cannot simply suffer through the path that leads us through maturity, but we should endure with perseverance and enjoy the road that leads us there. Scott (the man who taught this) said something to the affect of "Everyone wants to see the Red Sea parted. However, no one wants to be chased by an army full of men with no logical place to go". The Israelites saw the miracle because they were placed in an impossible situation. We want the miracle without the circumstance that needs the supernatural solution. This revelation cut to the heart. Especially because God had spoken to me a couple of weeks earlier about the path the Israelites took to the Red Sea. You see, the quickest path from where they were to the Red Sea, was through the Philistine countryside. It would of been logical and on most accounts the "wise" thing to do for them to cut directly through the Philistine roads. God, being full of practical wisdom would of approved of the most time-efficient way, right? Well, no. God knew there was fighting going on in this area, and understood His children would become scared if they saw this. Rather than continue advancing towards the Red Sea, the Israelits would instead turn and run back to Egypt. Is God not able to protect them from these wars and fighting men? Why, of course He is. ...But He understood the condition of His children's hearts, and therefore led them through the wilderness to the Red Sea to protect them possible doubt and fear. I feel if I were in a conversation with the Lord discussing which path to take in this situation, I would of completely battled for the more time-efficient, productive and practical way. In my own pride and ignorance I would fail to recognize God's omniscience and chosen my own way instead of trusting God's knowledge.
Just because life can at times go against what I see as right or wisdom, does not mean what appears is always what is. We must firstly trust God, and be led by His Spirit - not by what we see. There are most certainly times where what we view as wisdom lines up with God's wisdom, but just as likely is our conclusion being the opposite of God's solution. What makes sense to me is not always correct. I must hear and ask God before I come to ANY conclusion in my mind. I cannot always see the war taking place on the path I desire to walk, nor foresee the danger in my heart if I were to follow paths into these ware zones. I must trust - and because of this trust I must choose to follow. Trust, then follow.
Over and out.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Castles in the Sky
Last night, I was babysitting what I am now claiming to be the most adorable and lovable 5 
year-old boy. His parents are totally rad, and have built their 4 kids an incredible play room complete with a stage, art corner, swing and get this: a tree house. YES, a tree house, in the play room. You climb a ladder to get in, there are walls up to the ceiling, windows, a door and a painted night scene in the tree you can only see once climbing inside. I kept telling my new friend, Jackson, that he was living the life. I, in ALL seriousness, would love to currently have a tree house in my room. I would do all my work inside, read, talk, write and dream. It's more than amazing.
Before it was time to call it a night for Jackson (his siblings were already in bed), he wanted us to climb into the tree house and set up camp to pretend we were having a sleep over. We had pillows, blankets, stars, tree branches and our good conversation. I told him I loved the moon - how it was my favorite of all of God's creation, and how I wished to visit one day. He told me he'd rather go to Mars, you know - to check out aliens and things of the sort. We talked about watermelon, and how fun
ny it'd be if eating a watermelon seed really did mean a watermelon would grow in your belly. What would a watermelon belly look like, anyway? ...I bet it'd look so funny. We yawned and pretended to make sleeping bags and continue to look at the sky (aka-the ceiling). I felt young and free. Anything I imagined in that moment I could one day make a reality. No matter how absurd or far away a thought was, I could speak it aloud and dream of its one-day existence.
A much needed dose of reality has set in for me this year, concerning all things included in "adulthood". While I needed to see, experience and taste reality - I do not believe God's intention was to show me what life is n
eccesarily, but to help me recongnize the process of creating something beautiful. There's hard work involved, but dirt on my hands doesn't just make my palms dirty-it builds something.
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
-Henry David Thoreau
My glimpse into the truth and heart of life was not to ruin my dreams, goals and high aspirations, it was to ground them in Christ. I am firmly rooted and established in the foundation of Christ and love for Him and His church, and now my castles in the sky are a direct result of this. I’ve got the top of this castle, and more importantly I've got the bottom – now I need the grace of God and hard work of building the in-between.
If God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or even imagine (Eph 3:20), I feel my goal is to dream big and dream far…and see if God is true to His Word in topping it.
I double-dog dare you…
Over and out.
year-old boy. His parents are totally rad, and have built their 4 kids an incredible play room complete with a stage, art corner, swing and get this: a tree house. YES, a tree house, in the play room. You climb a ladder to get in, there are walls up to the ceiling, windows, a door and a painted night scene in the tree you can only see once climbing inside. I kept telling my new friend, Jackson, that he was living the life. I, in ALL seriousness, would love to currently have a tree house in my room. I would do all my work inside, read, talk, write and dream. It's more than amazing.Before it was time to call it a night for Jackson (his siblings were already in bed), he wanted us to climb into the tree house and set up camp to pretend we were having a sleep over. We had pillows, blankets, stars, tree branches and our good conversation. I told him I loved the moon - how it was my favorite of all of God's creation, and how I wished to visit one day. He told me he'd rather go to Mars, you know - to check out aliens and things of the sort. We talked about watermelon, and how fun
ny it'd be if eating a watermelon seed really did mean a watermelon would grow in your belly. What would a watermelon belly look like, anyway? ...I bet it'd look so funny. We yawned and pretended to make sleeping bags and continue to look at the sky (aka-the ceiling). I felt young and free. Anything I imagined in that moment I could one day make a reality. No matter how absurd or far away a thought was, I could speak it aloud and dream of its one-day existence.A much needed dose of reality has set in for me this year, concerning all things included in "adulthood". While I needed to see, experience and taste reality - I do not believe God's intention was to show me what life is n
eccesarily, but to help me recongnize the process of creating something beautiful. There's hard work involved, but dirt on my hands doesn't just make my palms dirty-it builds something."If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
-Henry David Thoreau
My glimpse into the truth and heart of life was not to ruin my dreams, goals and high aspirations, it was to ground them in Christ. I am firmly rooted and established in the foundation of Christ and love for Him and His church, and now my castles in the sky are a direct result of this. I’ve got the top of this castle, and more importantly I've got the bottom – now I need the grace of God and hard work of building the in-between.
If God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or even imagine (Eph 3:20), I feel my goal is to dream big and dream far…and see if God is true to His Word in topping it.
I double-dog dare you…
Over and out.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Live only for what you'd die for...
I've been staring a computer screen since 5pm quoting auto and home insurance up the wazzoo, and I'm pumped full of coffee. My mind is mush, but suddenly the thought popped into my mind, "I don't want to be apart of anything that I wouldn't die for."
A couple of weeks ago a woman in our church shared a picture she had (its a long story, but it was related to a World War 1 poem - http://www.ppu.org.uk/learn/poetry/poetry_ww1_1.html) - it dealt with a large poppy field full of fallen soldiers who had given their life for different things. It really impacted me because God esteems martyrs a great deal, and I believe there is a sobering reverence we should have as well, knowing one day we'll face men and women who died for freedoms/truths we can often take for granted.
I suppose all of this filtered into my mind that nothing in life is worth living for unless I'd die for it. I don't necessarily mean in only the larger things in life either, such as Christianity as a whole for example. I mean every truth, every right, every principle. In politics, would I die or willfully send my son to a war to die for the liberties and freedoms our country was founded upon? Would I die for truths founded in Christ? Baptism? The outworking of the gifts of the Holy Spirit? The 5-fold ministry (Eph 4)?
These sobering and endless topics are trotting through my mind making me wish to pull back from certain areas not worthy of a life slain in its defense. Its also inspires me to gain true and deep conviction for so many truths I know to be worthy of martyrdom.
What would I die for? In that answer lies my direction, path and focus for life....
Over and out!
Friday, April 23, 2010
"...But especially that you may prophesy."
Yes, I said it, PROPHESY! The HOLY SPIRIT wishes us to PROPHESY. Why is this so controversial in the Church today? It's in the Word of God! I do not wish to argue and validate scripture in this writing, but I will go on to explain what I feel God is "ruining" my heart for. I've been seeking and longing to know God's intention for His Church, and the past few months I've been frustrated to the point of tears with the ignorance of the work of God the Father, Jesus Christ AND the Holy Spirit within His church body. However, it has been only in the past few days my eyes were opened to the deepening up the absolute necessity of prophecy within the Church. It wasn't from a great idea or a feeling or hunch I had, but rather from reading the Word of God and knowing the obedience and dedication we must have to His commands. I will write humbly - for I am not a theologian, nor do I know New Testament Greek. However, I am a child of God who receives revelation and reads His Word seeking to know not merely a head-knowledge, but to understand with knowledge that far passes the mind. Here's where it's left me:
1 Corinthians 12 leads us in chapter 13 with the closing remark of "But earnestly desire the greater gifts. And I show you a still a more excellent way." We all know, or even if you don't know but you have attended a Christian wedding - 1 Corinthians 13 is about love. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy and it does not boast. So on and so forth - Love never fails. This is beautiful and most certainly can be appropriately used to speak of the love between one another in a marriage. However, this chapter of love is not in the book of Song of Solomon when speaking of a husband and his bride, nor in Psalms declaring David's love for God. No, this chapter is sandwiched between instructions pertaining to spiritual gifts. These gifts including: prophesy, word of wisdom, word of knowledge, miracles, healing, discernment of spirits, and tongues/interpretation. Would it not make sense when Paul speaks about spiritual gifts and then goes on talk about how we should love one another, and then go back to spiritual gifts and their use when we all come together, that this love should be APPLIED to our love to build one another up by actively using the gifts given to us by God?! Going back to the verse I opened with, Paul tells us (Paul working as the mouth piece of God in this God-breathed scripture) that we must desire earnestly these gifts, and love is the most excellent way to do this! It is because of our LOVE for the Church, and therefore our desire for its growth and maturity, that we yearn for these gifts to build one another up!
The first verse of 1 Corinthians 14 to segway from love back into spiritual gifts is this, "Pursue love, yet desire earnestly spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy". Now, admittedly I had a difficult time figuring out why, when God wants ALL of His gifts to be outworked in the church and makes of point of needing every body part, He includes 1 Cor 13:31 where we're told to desire the greater gifts. Also, 1 Cor 14 explains prophesy to be a superior gift and what we should desire most of all. My mind was going around in circles wondering EVERY body part (every person within the church) should desire to prophesy? What about the other gifts? If all are needed, why should we wish to have this one gift in particular? I thought to myself, "This is the Word of God. I will be obedient to it whether I have clear understanding yet or not, because I follow Christ - not only the parts of Christ I see and understand." So, with a resolve within myself to follow obedience of desiring prophesy, I've been asking God to help clarify why exactly I should desire it above all other gifts. Last night, my homegroup leader said something that brought much clarification: A relationship is built off of communication. The way one person connects with another is ultimately through speaking to one another. This is not to say servant hood, encouragement and plain ol' fun is not important in a relationship, but communication is the key ingredient. In ALL giftings and outworkings, God wants to SPEAK to and through us, therefore: prophesy. Prophesy is being the mouthpiece of God - Speaking His heart in the moment and declaring before the the saints what He wishes to say.
When do we prophesy and use spiritual gifts? EVERY time we're together! 1 Corinthians 14:26 - What is the outcome then, brethren? When you assemble, each one has a psalm, has a teaching, has a revelation, has a tongue, has an interpretation. Let ALL things be done for EDIFICATION.
Spiritual gifts MUST be put back into the Church for our edification, growth and maturity. It's GOD'S WORD and design for His church! Of course there has been abuse of these gifts in the past, just as there has abuse of church leadership, authority, teachings, exc. However, a misuse is not an excuse for disobedience to God's word. Just as one's personal experience or lack of understanding is no excuse. YOUR life must align to God's word, not God's word align to you. Do not be so prideful as to think your 70 years on the earth can alter the timeless words of God and that your human mind is ANY match to the wisdom of God!
This is the Word of God. Fear God, and obey.
Over and out.
1 Corinthians 12 leads us in chapter 13 with the closing remark of "But earnestly desire the greater gifts. And I show you a still a more excellent way." We all know, or even if you don't know but you have attended a Christian wedding - 1 Corinthians 13 is about love. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy and it does not boast. So on and so forth - Love never fails. This is beautiful and most certainly can be appropriately used to speak of the love between one another in a marriage. However, this chapter of love is not in the book of Song of Solomon when speaking of a husband and his bride, nor in Psalms declaring David's love for God. No, this chapter is sandwiched between instructions pertaining to spiritual gifts. These gifts including: prophesy, word of wisdom, word of knowledge, miracles, healing, discernment of spirits, and tongues/interpretation. Would it not make sense when Paul speaks about spiritual gifts and then goes on talk about how we should love one another, and then go back to spiritual gifts and their use when we all come together, that this love should be APPLIED to our love to build one another up by actively using the gifts given to us by God?! Going back to the verse I opened with, Paul tells us (Paul working as the mouth piece of God in this God-breathed scripture) that we must desire earnestly these gifts, and love is the most excellent way to do this! It is because of our LOVE for the Church, and therefore our desire for its growth and maturity, that we yearn for these gifts to build one another up!
The first verse of 1 Corinthians 14 to segway from love back into spiritual gifts is this, "Pursue love, yet desire earnestly spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy". Now, admittedly I had a difficult time figuring out why, when God wants ALL of His gifts to be outworked in the church and makes of point of needing every body part, He includes 1 Cor 13:31 where we're told to desire the greater gifts. Also, 1 Cor 14 explains prophesy to be a superior gift and what we should desire most of all. My mind was going around in circles wondering EVERY body part (every person within the church) should desire to prophesy? What about the other gifts? If all are needed, why should we wish to have this one gift in particular? I thought to myself, "This is the Word of God. I will be obedient to it whether I have clear understanding yet or not, because I follow Christ - not only the parts of Christ I see and understand." So, with a resolve within myself to follow obedience of desiring prophesy, I've been asking God to help clarify why exactly I should desire it above all other gifts. Last night, my homegroup leader said something that brought much clarification: A relationship is built off of communication. The way one person connects with another is ultimately through speaking to one another. This is not to say servant hood, encouragement and plain ol' fun is not important in a relationship, but communication is the key ingredient. In ALL giftings and outworkings, God wants to SPEAK to and through us, therefore: prophesy. Prophesy is being the mouthpiece of God - Speaking His heart in the moment and declaring before the the saints what He wishes to say.
When do we prophesy and use spiritual gifts? EVERY time we're together! 1 Corinthians 14:26 - What is the outcome then, brethren? When you assemble, each one has a psalm, has a teaching, has a revelation, has a tongue, has an interpretation. Let ALL things be done for EDIFICATION.
Spiritual gifts MUST be put back into the Church for our edification, growth and maturity. It's GOD'S WORD and design for His church! Of course there has been abuse of these gifts in the past, just as there has abuse of church leadership, authority, teachings, exc. However, a misuse is not an excuse for disobedience to God's word. Just as one's personal experience or lack of understanding is no excuse. YOUR life must align to God's word, not God's word align to you. Do not be so prideful as to think your 70 years on the earth can alter the timeless words of God and that your human mind is ANY match to the wisdom of God!
This is the Word of God. Fear God, and obey.
Over and out.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I once heard Chritians were meant to follow the Bible...
Okay, I've had it. Seriously. If I hear of one more Christian whose pride blinds them enough to think they are above obedience to the Word of God...
Now let me make myself clear to any random eyes that have fallen upon this blog. If you are not a Christian, I do not expect you to live according to the Bible. It'd be silly to align your life to the words of a God you haven't faith in. However, if you claim to know and love Jesus Christ, and acknowledge Him as Savior and therefore Lord - let's have new revelation of the fear of our God in life choices and words.
ALL scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness (2 Tim 3:16). Every word in this book is LIVING and ACTIVE, sharper than any double-edged sword. It pierces between soul and spirit, joint and marrow, and judges the thoughts and attitude of the heart (Heb 4:12). When Jesus was tempted in the desert by Satan, every response began with "It was written" and was followed by the infallible Words of God's scripture (Matthew 4). Jesus clearly esteemed the word of God as the be-all/end-all. When you say you want to live like Jesus and love like He did - let's start with the love of His Word, it clearly instructs us in ALL ways of love.
Jesus speaks in Luke 6 of the man who hears God's word but does not put it into practice, "He is like a man who has built a house on the ground without any foundation; and the torrent burst against it, and immediately it collapsed, and the ruin of that home was great."
A famous Christian artist who has now chosen a path that opposes the desires of God, still claims a close bond with Jesus. When asked what the Bible says about this artist's new found life style (with both interviewer and interviewee knowing the Truth of God and His being against it), she replies saying "I'm not capable of getting into the theological argument....There's a spirit that overrides that for me, and what I've been gravitating to in Christ and why I became a Christian in the first place."
I'm speechless. This hits a chord with me due the overwhelming attitude of His saints in denial of what they KNOW to be the Word of God, but their own desires getting the best of them and therefore altering our Lord's words to suit their wishes. God IS love, He IS compassionate and gracious and shows mercy. He HAS saved our lives, He sent His SON to die on our behalf, and He sees us and loves us in the way He sees and loves Christ. He does indeed help us every moment we call to Him, and when we fail Him He most certainly does extend His hand to us. His love is great and strong, but it is NOT an excuse and free-pass to do whatever you will. Christ's lordship in your life is NOT evident if you see this to be case. Jesus tells us in John 15, "You are my friend if you do what I command you." God's unconditional love and grace does not permit us to rewrite the Bible to suit our needs. Where is the fear of God? I'm not speaking of sinning and making a mistake, but the choice lifestyles in pure defiance of what Christians know to be Truth.
I ask you this (and I ask myself as well, because writing this truly challenges me to examine my own choices in life, whether they are as evident as other's or not):
When life is finished, when the perfected Bride (the universal Church) has made herself ready for Christ's return - Can we stand face-to-face to our Creator, our Lord, our Savior, and tell Him we knew of His words and commandments yet chose what we desired over what He commanded? Can we look into His flame of fire eyes, and with FULL confidence say we felt we had more wisdom and understanding than the clear words He laid before us in His scriptures?
I tremble at this thought. Let us humbly ask God to make evident to us if there is any appearance of this in our lives.
Over and out.
Now let me make myself clear to any random eyes that have fallen upon this blog. If you are not a Christian, I do not expect you to live according to the Bible. It'd be silly to align your life to the words of a God you haven't faith in. However, if you claim to know and love Jesus Christ, and acknowledge Him as Savior and therefore Lord - let's have new revelation of the fear of our God in life choices and words.
ALL scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness (2 Tim 3:16). Every word in this book is LIVING and ACTIVE, sharper than any double-edged sword. It pierces between soul and spirit, joint and marrow, and judges the thoughts and attitude of the heart (Heb 4:12). When Jesus was tempted in the desert by Satan, every response began with "It was written" and was followed by the infallible Words of God's scripture (Matthew 4). Jesus clearly esteemed the word of God as the be-all/end-all. When you say you want to live like Jesus and love like He did - let's start with the love of His Word, it clearly instructs us in ALL ways of love.
Jesus speaks in Luke 6 of the man who hears God's word but does not put it into practice, "He is like a man who has built a house on the ground without any foundation; and the torrent burst against it, and immediately it collapsed, and the ruin of that home was great."
A famous Christian artist who has now chosen a path that opposes the desires of God, still claims a close bond with Jesus. When asked what the Bible says about this artist's new found life style (with both interviewer and interviewee knowing the Truth of God and His being against it), she replies saying "I'm not capable of getting into the theological argument....There's a spirit that overrides that for me, and what I've been gravitating to in Christ and why I became a Christian in the first place."
I'm speechless. This hits a chord with me due the overwhelming attitude of His saints in denial of what they KNOW to be the Word of God, but their own desires getting the best of them and therefore altering our Lord's words to suit their wishes. God IS love, He IS compassionate and gracious and shows mercy. He HAS saved our lives, He sent His SON to die on our behalf, and He sees us and loves us in the way He sees and loves Christ. He does indeed help us every moment we call to Him, and when we fail Him He most certainly does extend His hand to us. His love is great and strong, but it is NOT an excuse and free-pass to do whatever you will. Christ's lordship in your life is NOT evident if you see this to be case. Jesus tells us in John 15, "You are my friend if you do what I command you." God's unconditional love and grace does not permit us to rewrite the Bible to suit our needs. Where is the fear of God? I'm not speaking of sinning and making a mistake, but the choice lifestyles in pure defiance of what Christians know to be Truth.
I ask you this (and I ask myself as well, because writing this truly challenges me to examine my own choices in life, whether they are as evident as other's or not):
When life is finished, when the perfected Bride (the universal Church) has made herself ready for Christ's return - Can we stand face-to-face to our Creator, our Lord, our Savior, and tell Him we knew of His words and commandments yet chose what we desired over what He commanded? Can we look into His flame of fire eyes, and with FULL confidence say we felt we had more wisdom and understanding than the clear words He laid before us in His scriptures?
I tremble at this thought. Let us humbly ask God to make evident to us if there is any appearance of this in our lives.
Over and out.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Nothing Really...Just thoughts.
I'm too easily overcome with thoughts, ideas and feelings. I'm also too quick to yap about them. I can keep everyone's secrets, but my own. I'm quite impatient, also. I giggle when you're not meant to, and my mom tells me laugh is not very feminine. I drive around longer than I ought to because a moving car with a gentle breeze is more relaxing than simply standing there. I think girls can be mean when they're feeling insecure. Boys seem to want to show off to eachother more than they do girls, this humors me. I don't understand a philosophical thought seperate from the foundations of God. And while I love intelligence - I've known too many fallen victim to the pride of their own mind. To the men that have learned to 'count it as loss' before the mind and thoughts of God: I admire you. I want to be led by humility. Good thing I follow Jesus - for this can always be so.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Confession: I don't want to read my book for Book Club
The book club I created for my 52 Weeks Project is reading 1984 by George Orwell. It seems to be great book, judging by what I've read so far, not to mention its ability to remain in every day conversation as well a highschool reading lists. However, I've run into a problem. I've shut off my brain. I suppose I've jumped from the Tin Man to the Scarecrow? God spoke to me about my heart and I've been up in arms (what does expression even mean?! Up in arms? Reminds me our 2nd Amendment right to Bear Arms, which I do stand by, fyi. I mean, if its in the Constitution by which our country was founded on why are we trying to take it away. Go start a new country if you don't like what the US was created to be. Whoa-bunny trail. Bop it on the head). Alright, so I've learned I must use my heart, and in my extremest-self nature I've opted to shut off my brain to focus solely on the heart! Therefore, to maintain my comatose state I haven't wanted to read the book I chose for our book club. Instead I've read Fitness Magazine, People, and a charming book a friend is letting me borrow (entertaining and heart wrenching, but not all that intellectually challenging). I don't want to think, I simply don't want to use my mind.
I've heard a few times that in the Bible the words "heart" and "mind" are interchangeable. Now, I haven't researched it for myself, and come to think of it - I can't even remember exactly who has said it even.... But let's assume its factual. Heart and mind, mind and heart. One in the same, really? Well, I suppose if God in self-breathed Scripture doesn't mind flip-flopping between the two, it can work? So, this equates through my thought process the two either work together or are one-in-the same. I don't believe they are the identical, each clearly have their own special function and communication. However, working together? Yes, I see it. My heart knows and gains revelation, and my mind follows. Or my mind knows and sees truth, and waits for my heart to align. Why, I suppose I've experienced both of these before!
Then there's this verse that is worthy of looking further into (as all verses are):
Matthew 22:36-37
Some guy, apparently a lawyer, asks Jesus, "Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus hits him back with this response, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind."
I should love with my mind? Well, my mind does love knowledge I guess. And my mind loves truth and revelation. My heart loves these things as well, but since my heart isn't a tablet to be read and factually analyzed, my heart goes deeper and farther in God. It can know in a different way than my mind can know. Oh, but my mind can understand and search and ponder in a way my heart is not able to! Yet, they are both working together for the common good of Jesus Christ! Interchangeable, a heart knows and a mind knows. They love, seek truth and learn.
God's been bringing me to Eph 3:14-19 a great deal in the past week. It talks about being rooted and grounded in love, then telling of Paul's hope that we grasp the width and depth and height and so on of His love. To grasp a concept to me is to connect and understand with the mind. It's when we are able to say, "I understand Your love, God". Paul ends this tidbit though by praying we know the love that surpasses all knowledge. Again, translated in the Sarah-speak, I shall say "the love that surpasses my mind." So, my mind needs to grasp these concepts of love, but I shouldn't stop it at my mind...Instead, I add onto what the mind can perceive a heart thats knows a love that surpasses my knowledge.
It's beautiful, really. God didn't make us robots to function as computers with only facts and wisdom, nor we are tossed back and forth by dangerous emotionally led lives. We have both, knowledge-based minds and emotion/revelation based hearts. Oh, the harmony.
Over and out.
I've heard a few times that in the Bible the words "heart" and "mind" are interchangeable. Now, I haven't researched it for myself, and come to think of it - I can't even remember exactly who has said it even.... But let's assume its factual. Heart and mind, mind and heart. One in the same, really? Well, I suppose if God in self-breathed Scripture doesn't mind flip-flopping between the two, it can work? So, this equates through my thought process the two either work together or are one-in-the same. I don't believe they are the identical, each clearly have their own special function and communication. However, working together? Yes, I see it. My heart knows and gains revelation, and my mind follows. Or my mind knows and sees truth, and waits for my heart to align. Why, I suppose I've experienced both of these before!
Then there's this verse that is worthy of looking further into (as all verses are):
Matthew 22:36-37
Some guy, apparently a lawyer, asks Jesus, "Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus hits him back with this response, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind."
I should love with my mind? Well, my mind does love knowledge I guess. And my mind loves truth and revelation. My heart loves these things as well, but since my heart isn't a tablet to be read and factually analyzed, my heart goes deeper and farther in God. It can know in a different way than my mind can know. Oh, but my mind can understand and search and ponder in a way my heart is not able to! Yet, they are both working together for the common good of Jesus Christ! Interchangeable, a heart knows and a mind knows. They love, seek truth and learn.
God's been bringing me to Eph 3:14-19 a great deal in the past week. It talks about being rooted and grounded in love, then telling of Paul's hope that we grasp the width and depth and height and so on of His love. To grasp a concept to me is to connect and understand with the mind. It's when we are able to say, "I understand Your love, God". Paul ends this tidbit though by praying we know the love that surpasses all knowledge. Again, translated in the Sarah-speak, I shall say "the love that surpasses my mind." So, my mind needs to grasp these concepts of love, but I shouldn't stop it at my mind...Instead, I add onto what the mind can perceive a heart thats knows a love that surpasses my knowledge.
It's beautiful, really. God didn't make us robots to function as computers with only facts and wisdom, nor we are tossed back and forth by dangerous emotionally led lives. We have both, knowledge-based minds and emotion/revelation based hearts. Oh, the harmony.
Over and out.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I am the Tin Man
I haven't always been this way, and I don't believe it'll last much longer than tonight. You see, certain things happen in life that can really rattle a girl, or maybe its too many of certain things happening can rattle a girl. As I've mentioned before, I jokingly said to my bestie earlier this year, "I'm one bad relationship away from the becoming a cat lady". The sad thing? I really wasn't joking. Now, I've made poor choices, I've been deceived and I've "followed my heart"-while I cannot say I do not regret unfortunate decisions just because of what I've learned, I'm none-the-less grateful for my new found revelations and wisdoms. However, with difficult lessons learned on the battlefield, come wounds. These wounds are the topic of the night.
In natural life the heart pumps blood throughout the entire body through little veins and arteries. I can easily see a small organ affecting all areas of the body being the case emotionally as well. A bad heart not only shows its affects in crazy-cat-lady like symptoms, but pops up through out many other bits of life. Tonight, at risk of making myself out to be an awful human being, I will tell you of my realisation of my other symptoms.
A few people have said things to me recently of allowing God to speak to my heart. You know, past the mind and into the heart. I hesitate always when this is said to me, because sometimes I feel Christians can be easily content with never diving deep into the things of God but rather just "feeling" it. I suppose that isn't just a Christian thing, perhaps more of a generational thing, but I'm digressing. Moving along... After 3 particular happenings in a small time span of women telling me God wished to speak to my heart, I decided I'd give it a go. My heart has come 2nd to mind recently for reasons stated above (following of the heart and the trouble that followed along after it). Today I was being very raw with God and asked Him why I had to do this heart thing anyway. I didn't like it-I'm trying to become smarter, not put away my brain to follow simply follow my deceitful heart. His reasoning back to me was simple and clear (so gracious of Him to respond in a way both my mind and heart would appreciate). The conclusion was this: If I always wish God to speak FIRST to my mind, I will be limited to what my mind can handle. I can't truly dive into the depths of Him when I'm asking all things to pass through the understanding of my mind. My heart needs to lead in knowing within the depths of MYSELF its truth, and later my brain can seek to follow. Alright, got it.
Keeping this in mind...
Tonight I've been watching baby Ella (my niece). She's a lovely little girl who I believe will grow into a God fearing woman, but for now-she screams more than your average baby (Acid Reflux) and perhaps isn't enjoying life as much as other 3 1/2 month olds. I watch her often, and I miss kissing her chubby cheeks if I go 24 hours without doing so. I like to hold her and I love it when she smiles. With that said, living in a household with a baby has prolonged the desired absence of children in my own life. I keep thinking to myself-I can't wait for when she's older and we can talk. I want to understand her and know her. Now, these aren't bad things, but I've felt I can't truly love her until I know her. Tonight I was holding Ella rocking her to sleep when the thought hit me, "I don't have a true connection or grounded love for Ella, simply because I don't understand her yet. I don't know why she's always crying, and I can't sit down and speak to her in order to analyze her actions. Therefore, I don't have this deep love I was expecting to have." It broke my heart, and then I felt God bring back to memory of what we'd gone over earlier today. I've been trying to lead with my mind. My mind can think of why to love Ella, the probability of my love for her in future years, exc-but it can't make me feel and know love for her. My heart though, my heart can just know-it can know a deep love, without my mind having to catch up. My heart must first love her, without my mind giving me full reason to do so yet. I love her, because I do-not because I know or understand, but because I just do.
God went further to explain to me this will be how I must grasp certain concepts and truths of Him. My mind often will not be able to comprehend deep and unfathomable thoughts of God, but He will set it within my heart in babe form. My heart will know its truth, and once its set in-it will grow in a way where my mind can analyze and process-but only because my heart accepted it first. Just as I do not have to completely know and understand Ella before loving her, I do not have to 100% grasp the lofty things of God before I accept them and take them on board.
"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."
"But I still want one."
Over and out.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My Love for Avocados and My Unfiltered Mouth.
I love avocados. I was standing in my kitchen eating a wrap (consisting of cheese/avocado/salsa) when this feeling of awe and amazement took over me. All I could think was "I LOVE avocados", and then I devised a plan as to how to make my love known. You see, when a strong emotion/desire/thought comes to mind, it takes over my very being and I feel the urgent need to say something alerting as least one person of whatever has taken control of me. Tonight, it was avocados.
I began to ponder this as I realised the absurdity of my need to tell someone of something so small and insignificant. I looked at my track record of this happening; a thought or idea comes to mind and I feel so strongly I immediately blurt it out with out any thought of consequence or repercussion. It's a fire in my bones to quote Jeremiah, however the fire is not always the Word of God, but you know...avocados. When the times arise where my thoughts are of a more serious nature and should NOT explode out of my mouth, I attempt to hold it in. I often last, ooooooooh...10 minutes before I burst forth with my news or revelation.
Why is that my 10 minutes of agony in my recognition of reason and wisdom, is more often than not subdued to my will to share my thought. The verse "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" is a verse seeming to mark my life, yet not always in the greatest of ways.
We're called to:
Be slow to speak (James 1:19)
Guard our mouth (Prov 21:23)
Not be hasty or impulsive in our words (Ecc 5:2)
How is it I can become SO gripped with such great of a passion for things large and small? Whether my thoughts are uplifting or harmful I am not satisfied until it leaves my mouth. It's as if the thought cannot stop penetrating my mind until its released in word form.
I want to be aware of this, and allow the fear of God to reign in my words and outbursts.
Ironically enough, this very rant was another thought I was overcome by and felt the need to share. I suppose sometimes its not so bad...
Over and out.
I began to ponder this as I realised the absurdity of my need to tell someone of something so small and insignificant. I looked at my track record of this happening; a thought or idea comes to mind and I feel so strongly I immediately blurt it out with out any thought of consequence or repercussion. It's a fire in my bones to quote Jeremiah, however the fire is not always the Word of God, but you know...avocados. When the times arise where my thoughts are of a more serious nature and should NOT explode out of my mouth, I attempt to hold it in. I often last, ooooooooh...10 minutes before I burst forth with my news or revelation.
Why is that my 10 minutes of agony in my recognition of reason and wisdom, is more often than not subdued to my will to share my thought. The verse "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" is a verse seeming to mark my life, yet not always in the greatest of ways.
We're called to:
Be slow to speak (James 1:19)
Guard our mouth (Prov 21:23)
Not be hasty or impulsive in our words (Ecc 5:2)
How is it I can become SO gripped with such great of a passion for things large and small? Whether my thoughts are uplifting or harmful I am not satisfied until it leaves my mouth. It's as if the thought cannot stop penetrating my mind until its released in word form.
I want to be aware of this, and allow the fear of God to reign in my words and outbursts.
Ironically enough, this very rant was another thought I was overcome by and felt the need to share. I suppose sometimes its not so bad...
Over and out.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
One friend, Two Friends, Three Friends, Four...
Friends, smiends. I wrote a facebook note questioning the friendships between males and females. As always, often when I post a question or ask opinions, I get many responses in which I say to myself "duh!" or "what the...?" However, I did really appreciate the opinions given, especially those of some of my married friends. However, I remain at the same conclusion. For myself, I don't really pursue close friendships with guys-I've been told by those in authority over me that I create very "intimate friendships". Ya know, I'm not totally sure if that's good or bad. In history of my friendships its produced both great fruit as well as utter disaster! I tend to want to draw the deep things of the heart and mind to surface, however in a guy-girl friendship this can create a bond that can turn inappropriate. I don't want to be naive (its pure folly according to many Proverbs) and I don't want to overlook the heart being deceitful and beyond cure. Therefore, for the safety of myself and others-I generally won't get too close to a boy (ie-hanging out alone, talking excessively, sharing "secrets"). Oh, and yes-to clarify-I understand romance comes from friendship, when I'm referring to friendships in my recent questions, I mean strictly platonic friendships!
Okay, so I know what I think when it comes to me personally, but I still don't know how to view others and their friendships. I could list off of the top of my head NUMEROUS friendships in which person A likes person B, and person B is completely oblivious. I could also list off the guy-girl friends that are talked about constantly with such comments as "They'd make a good couple" or "Do they like eachother, because they spend a lot of time together". I also know of many people involved in close guy-girl friendships that comment they'll "back off" once one or both of them enter a romantic relationship with person C or D. If the relationship must make adjustments in the future then has it not already crossed boundaries? In my mind, the answer is clear-yes.
We are called to live above reproach, live pure and holy lives, and act in a manner worthy of our calling. I don't want to be a stickler, and Paul says all things are permissible, but he goes on to say not all things are beneficial. Does a close relationship with a guy I'm not interested in benefit me? Does it benefit him? Does it benefit the onlookers I'm wishing to be an example of Christ to?
I will most likely soon delete my facebook note. While there are many things I feel God is giving me revelation on, this isn't the top of my list and I don't want to get too distracted by it. For where my thoughts are, my time and prayer tend to go as well. I don't feel the urgency in knowing about this, but I do hope God speaks to me over time. Until then....
Okay, just figured I'd clarify further for any secret blog readers out there. On a much lighter note, I'm going to Chicago this weekend to celebrate St. Patty's Day and I can't WAIT! I've bought rechargeable batteries for my camera and everything. Show me that green river!
Over and out.
Okay, so I know what I think when it comes to me personally, but I still don't know how to view others and their friendships. I could list off of the top of my head NUMEROUS friendships in which person A likes person B, and person B is completely oblivious. I could also list off the guy-girl friends that are talked about constantly with such comments as "They'd make a good couple" or "Do they like eachother, because they spend a lot of time together". I also know of many people involved in close guy-girl friendships that comment they'll "back off" once one or both of them enter a romantic relationship with person C or D. If the relationship must make adjustments in the future then has it not already crossed boundaries? In my mind, the answer is clear-yes.
We are called to live above reproach, live pure and holy lives, and act in a manner worthy of our calling. I don't want to be a stickler, and Paul says all things are permissible, but he goes on to say not all things are beneficial. Does a close relationship with a guy I'm not interested in benefit me? Does it benefit him? Does it benefit the onlookers I'm wishing to be an example of Christ to?
I will most likely soon delete my facebook note. While there are many things I feel God is giving me revelation on, this isn't the top of my list and I don't want to get too distracted by it. For where my thoughts are, my time and prayer tend to go as well. I don't feel the urgency in knowing about this, but I do hope God speaks to me over time. Until then....
Okay, just figured I'd clarify further for any secret blog readers out there. On a much lighter note, I'm going to Chicago this weekend to celebrate St. Patty's Day and I can't WAIT! I've bought rechargeable batteries for my camera and everything. Show me that green river!
Over and out.
Monday, March 8, 2010
I knew I wouldn't forget ya, and so I went and let you blow my mind...
I'm listening to my newly created "Summer" playlist on itunes; "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train is on repeat (I have Sarah Freeborn to thank for this hidden treasure). The curtains are pulled back revealing the 45 degree sunny Monday afternoon, and I'm watching impatiently as the snow melts in the back yard. Spring Time is in the air (that's a throw back to the poem I wrote in 3rd grade that was put in the newspaper, oh yeah-I've made it big time before).
I've enjoyed Winter. Mainly the coffee, good talks and sledding. My life has reflected the Wisconsin Winter I feel. I've shivered, I've sought warmth and comfort in a land unknown, yet I've known the beauty in the bitter cold with it's snowy blankets. God's graced me with many, many caring people in my daily life who care and pray for me-these people have told me a of an amazing journey up ahead. Questions are being answered, wisdoms being made complete, and none of this is taking place in the Disney Princess birds-bringing-me-my-robe type way, but instead instead a Queen Victoria authoritative sort of way. (I'll expound upon that later perhaps-it was what someone felt God was saying to them pertaining to me. God speaks, I'm glad I believe that, and glad I hear Him...that's another topic for another day though).
Spring is around the corner. I'm ready for sundresses, lemonade, late night talks outside and new budding flowers. I feel in love again. Mmmmm...
Over and out.
I've enjoyed Winter. Mainly the coffee, good talks and sledding. My life has reflected the Wisconsin Winter I feel. I've shivered, I've sought warmth and comfort in a land unknown, yet I've known the beauty in the bitter cold with it's snowy blankets. God's graced me with many, many caring people in my daily life who care and pray for me-these people have told me a of an amazing journey up ahead. Questions are being answered, wisdoms being made complete, and none of this is taking place in the Disney Princess birds-bringing-me-my-robe type way, but instead instead a Queen Victoria authoritative sort of way. (I'll expound upon that later perhaps-it was what someone felt God was saying to them pertaining to me. God speaks, I'm glad I believe that, and glad I hear Him...that's another topic for another day though).
Spring is around the corner. I'm ready for sundresses, lemonade, late night talks outside and new budding flowers. I feel in love again. Mmmmm...
Over and out.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I give up.
You might recall me mentioning at the beginning of this year a verse God had spoken to me explaining what this phase of life would consist of. However, while most wouldn't be able to recite my every blog post, I'll refresh your memory:
Ecc 3:6
A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.
While I rejoiced and wept at God confirming what I was understanding to be true in my life and heart, I was wee confused as to how the "time to give up as lost" would take place. You see, I often get on a soap-box of how Christians shouldn't just give up on lofty and difficult concepts of God, ie: Predestination vs. Freewill, Eschatology, Dating, exc. I firmly, firmly believe when God comes back for His perfected Bride we'll of sought Him so earnestly that He reveals many of His secret wisdoms to us as He promised! All this to say, the concept of "giving up as lost" I found to be a bit odd, until tonight.
There are many answers I'm wanting from God and many mindsets I'm wishing to reflect His glory and perfection! However, God has been going into the depths of my thoughts and heart where the answers no longer lay in the back of my mind. In the past few days infact, He's dealt strictly with mindsets I know to be wrong, but have come to my wit's end in attempts to even know what is the correct mindset or how to reach it. In my frustration, the other night I felt God wanted me to humble myself and explain one of my I-Know-To-Be-Wrong-Mindsets to a certain woman with much wisdom and knowledge. The same sort of situation came up again tonight. I became very upset with another wrong mindset of mine and my lack of knowledge to fix it (because I feel I normally know in the back of mind what I'm supposed to think and can get myself there eventually through God's grace). God laid another insightful woman on my heart and told me to humble myself again and ask her.
Suddenly it clicked in my head, here I am: Giving up as lost. Before God chose to take through me down this oh-so-interesting path of these past couple of months, He instilled in me that grand importance of humility in my life. I often understand why, and tonight I again see how humility MUST be evident in order for my growth (which hopefully can influence the Body!). I've had to be humble to come before these women. Honestly, at first it was a big gulp of swallowing my pride because I want to naturally appear as if I have it together, but I don't. I just don't-I've got to give up as lost sometimes, and God's placed amazing people in my life to help me when I come to this place! God is so beautiful to me! He speaks to us His plans before He outworks them, and while we can struggle in figuring out what exactly He means when He does speak...it's pure radiance once light is shed upon it. I feel as if my words of gratitude to God would not even do justice to His lovingkindness in my life! I'm so thankful to know a merciful God who seeks us out and transforms us into His likeness, all while holding our hand along the way.
I understand now when He said I would find the time to give up as lost, and I will be obedient to His instruction.
Over and out.
Ecc 3:6
A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.
While I rejoiced and wept at God confirming what I was understanding to be true in my life and heart, I was wee confused as to how the "time to give up as lost" would take place. You see, I often get on a soap-box of how Christians shouldn't just give up on lofty and difficult concepts of God, ie: Predestination vs. Freewill, Eschatology, Dating, exc. I firmly, firmly believe when God comes back for His perfected Bride we'll of sought Him so earnestly that He reveals many of His secret wisdoms to us as He promised! All this to say, the concept of "giving up as lost" I found to be a bit odd, until tonight.
There are many answers I'm wanting from God and many mindsets I'm wishing to reflect His glory and perfection! However, God has been going into the depths of my thoughts and heart where the answers no longer lay in the back of my mind. In the past few days infact, He's dealt strictly with mindsets I know to be wrong, but have come to my wit's end in attempts to even know what is the correct mindset or how to reach it. In my frustration, the other night I felt God wanted me to humble myself and explain one of my I-Know-To-Be-Wrong-Mindsets to a certain woman with much wisdom and knowledge. The same sort of situation came up again tonight. I became very upset with another wrong mindset of mine and my lack of knowledge to fix it (because I feel I normally know in the back of mind what I'm supposed to think and can get myself there eventually through God's grace). God laid another insightful woman on my heart and told me to humble myself again and ask her.
Suddenly it clicked in my head, here I am: Giving up as lost. Before God chose to take through me down this oh-so-interesting path of these past couple of months, He instilled in me that grand importance of humility in my life. I often understand why, and tonight I again see how humility MUST be evident in order for my growth (which hopefully can influence the Body!). I've had to be humble to come before these women. Honestly, at first it was a big gulp of swallowing my pride because I want to naturally appear as if I have it together, but I don't. I just don't-I've got to give up as lost sometimes, and God's placed amazing people in my life to help me when I come to this place! God is so beautiful to me! He speaks to us His plans before He outworks them, and while we can struggle in figuring out what exactly He means when He does speak...it's pure radiance once light is shed upon it. I feel as if my words of gratitude to God would not even do justice to His lovingkindness in my life! I'm so thankful to know a merciful God who seeks us out and transforms us into His likeness, all while holding our hand along the way.
I understand now when He said I would find the time to give up as lost, and I will be obedient to His instruction.
Over and out.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Your silent melody...
Sometimes my eyelids grow too heavy to keep my eyes open enough to even see all of my laptop screen. I'm worn out, but the song playing right now is too good, the current conversation too entertaining and the night too young.
I am currently debating in my mind the balance of being a strong and fierce woman, yet still gentle, submissive and kind. How do you represent the Lion and the Lamb in one woman? Hm...I have confidence I'll know soon.
I hope all of my plans go through for these next few months. I feel life just couldn't be more exciting with what lies ahead. Please, God, please!
I wish I knew more jokes. I like the couple I know, but the problem is once you've been friends with someone for a week, you run out!
Okay, the song is over. I can't keep 'em open any longer.
Over and out.
I am currently debating in my mind the balance of being a strong and fierce woman, yet still gentle, submissive and kind. How do you represent the Lion and the Lamb in one woman? Hm...I have confidence I'll know soon.
I hope all of my plans go through for these next few months. I feel life just couldn't be more exciting with what lies ahead. Please, God, please!
I wish I knew more jokes. I like the couple I know, but the problem is once you've been friends with someone for a week, you run out!
Okay, the song is over. I can't keep 'em open any longer.
Over and out.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Caterpillars and Christ
I keep telling God I'm wrestling with Him. I'm determined to become like Him, to know His thoughts and wisdoms and to live close to His heart. He's promised these things to me, and I keep telling Him-just as Jacob wrestled with You for his blessing, I will wrestle for Your promises. I will struggle with man and God and overcome. I'm holding on, and not letting go.
Here's the funny thing though, even know I'm the one who declared this wrestling match with God, I still need encouragement from Him in it. God is graciously kind enough to constantly remind and reveal to me He is indeed changing me as I grip onto Him. Tonight, He spoke the most beautiful thing to me-which I felt could be applicable to so many.
I hesitate to tell you of the analogy God spoke to me in fear of its cliche origins, but my heart feels more at rest during this time than it ever has before. Tonight, as I was praying and reading my mind became flooded with thoughts of caterpillars and cocoons and butterflies. I know the very evident knowledge of the basic metamorphosis, but I knew this went deeper than that. As I googled I prayed God would lead my clicking abilities (Ha! Kind of funny...). So...as I-Sarah the caterpillar googled, I came across a website and first line read, "Caterpillars are the immature stage of butterflies". Go figure, I began to cry. I know there are immaturity's in me God is pressing His finger heavily upon. While it may sound silly, it gives me such relief it doesn't just say "Caterpillars are immature". No, it says they are the immature STAGE of BUTTERFLIES. It's a stage; a stage that develops into something beautiful and radiant.
I keep reading and come across their eating habits: "Caterpillars start eating like crazy and building their tent...during the growing process they can eat every leaf from a tree". Tears well up in my eyes, yet again (typical, right?). I take this as my instruction. Eat everything I can. The Bible tells us its scriptures are the Bread of Life. I want every bit of knowledge and taste of God I can swallow. I want to eat until the tree is left bare.
"Once the caterpillars are grown, they wander off and hide themselves in well protected places." When I first began going through my "quarter-life crisis" as I was calling it, God spoke to me that I'm in a safe place. As I've been questioning everything and challenging every way of life and not-stated-clearly Biblical concept, God's said: It's safe here. As long as I'm hidden in Christ (Col 3:3), I'm well protected.
I just began praying and crying in a joyful way of the caterpillar stage I'm in. I know the butterfly is just around the corner, and I'm so thankful the God of the universe cares so deeply for me and His church to radically change my life and my thoughts and reveal more and more of Himself to me! I also read a caterpillar grows to about 27,000 times the size it was when it emerged from its egg. To put this in human terms: A baby weighing 9lbs at birth would weigh about 243,000lbs as an adult. If I continue to go along with God speaking to me of my caterpillar state, I can grow to be 27,000 times I was as child. I am not limited in my mind, heart or soul. I am not confined to this world, but live in the limitless world of Jesus Christ!
Oh, How my heart longs to grow and eat and transform! I LOVE this year. I've never felt so challenged, encouraged and full of joy. I feel so uncertain of where God is leading my path, but I know it one of strength, maturity, beauty and grace. Thank You God for your precious care of Your children.
Phillipians 3:13-14
Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Over and out.
Friday, February 12, 2010
More than a breeze...
My stomach is full of frozen yogurt. Really, really full. I never eat much in one sitting because I hate being full-I'd much rather be hungry in an hour than feel my stomach tightly against my jean seams in great discomfort for an hour. ...Keep in mind I'm still bringing spoonfuls of java chip yogurt to my mouth as I type this. I feel very Bridgest Jones-esque confessing this you, and instead of being ashamed of that (for she's a bit of an embarrassing girl) I feel empowered. ...Like, HA! I can stuff my face and feel uncomfortable if I want, WHEN I want. Take that you photoshoped models. This has nothing to do with anything.
I text my bestie out of the blue the other day as the random thought popped into mind. I said to her, "My greatest fear is to fall in love". Ironic I type this in my blog titled "Let's Fall In Love" I suppose. ...But I have to tell someone, and I already told Meyer, so I might as well sing this news to you, right? (Man, I'm in an odd mood). Well, I don't want to fall in love for numerous reasons which I won't go as far to tell you just yet. Anyway, to deal with this fear of falling in love, I've decided I just won't do it! I'm going to hold out as long as humanly possible. Well, as long as Sarah-ly possible; we'll see how it goes. It'll atleast be a couple of years, maybe a few. And it's going to be a fight, thats for sure. I won't be easily won over. As a good friend of mine says (good friend only because she's often played in my iTunes, not because we know eachothers secrets. Though, I suppose I might know hers...)-anyway, as she says referencing love, "It'll take more than a breeze to make me fall over." So...I'm digging my feet into the sand (I suppose Wisconsiner's might not get this reference, they never get my beach-isms. It's so annoying). A hurricane must come, for no small wind nor wave will toss me about.
Sometimes I want to curse in my blog. Mainly because I think it'd be funny, but thats probably offensive. I will admit though, one time I did. Well, I said "why the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks...", but I later went back and changed it.
Over and out.
I text my bestie out of the blue the other day as the random thought popped into mind. I said to her, "My greatest fear is to fall in love". Ironic I type this in my blog titled "Let's Fall In Love" I suppose. ...But I have to tell someone, and I already told Meyer, so I might as well sing this news to you, right? (Man, I'm in an odd mood). Well, I don't want to fall in love for numerous reasons which I won't go as far to tell you just yet. Anyway, to deal with this fear of falling in love, I've decided I just won't do it! I'm going to hold out as long as humanly possible. Well, as long as Sarah-ly possible; we'll see how it goes. It'll atleast be a couple of years, maybe a few. And it's going to be a fight, thats for sure. I won't be easily won over. As a good friend of mine says (good friend only because she's often played in my iTunes, not because we know eachothers secrets. Though, I suppose I might know hers...)-anyway, as she says referencing love, "It'll take more than a breeze to make me fall over." So...I'm digging my feet into the sand (I suppose Wisconsiner's might not get this reference, they never get my beach-isms. It's so annoying). A hurricane must come, for no small wind nor wave will toss me about.
Sometimes I want to curse in my blog. Mainly because I think it'd be funny, but thats probably offensive. I will admit though, one time I did. Well, I said "why the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks...", but I later went back and changed it.
Over and out.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I typed without hesitation, here's what happened:
Last night Freelove and I were writing poetry (I had to write a poem for my 52 Weeks project) and she kept saying "STOP THINKING! Just write!" as I hesitated with the pen in my hand. When I decided to finally write whatever came to my mind, she said she loved it.
I want to write for a few minutes without thinking. I'm just going to jot whatever comes to mind, and see where it leads me.
I'm about to turn 23. I love it and I hate it. Even with all my new revelations and desires, its odd to look back at the past 22 years of my life and how my dreams have changed and brought me to where I am. I wish I was who I am now when I was 18, but I'm not. I'm okay with that. 2010 has been an awesome year so far. I adore my 52 Weeks project, it gives me something to look forward every week. Jump ship. I've had 3 conversations with 3 friends about 3 out-of-the-norm topics. Just things you deal with I guess-they've all got me thinking. Oops, about to over think, keep typing. I want to dance in the rain. I realise this sounds cheesy, but I do. One day when I was in highschool I was unusually happy and I went out on my patio and danced in a beautiful North Carolina storm. I miss the rain from NC. The rain drops are big. Another time in highschool, when I was being my typical cynical self with Meyer, and we walked around the neighborhood in a thunder storm. We've got the pictures to prove it. We're smiling in those photos, funny...because we quite upset on the walk. I guess sometimes you just need a friend to hold your hand in the rain. We used to sing songs, they were pretty funny, but pretty mean. Words hurts, remember that. This week even after my single ladies anthem, I suddenly felt myself feeling alone. Pretty ironic, but pretty typical of God (to challenge your new life anthems I mean). I'm over it now. I love being alone, I love figuring out life out by myself. I like to be independent, I didn't use to. ...but then again, I didn't use to loathe the idea of dating either. John says that'll change when the right guy comes along. We'll see. I'm not concerned. For now, I want to keep coloring peacocks (that drawing is taped to my wall, I'm proud of it for some odd reason). I want to keep listening to my depressed folk music followed by up-beat country music. Ya know, I like confidence. God spoke to me loads about humility when I first moved up here, once you grasp humility (which believe me I'm still learning to eat my humble pie) you learn boldness and confidence as well. This is who I am-this is who God made me. I know God, I hear Him, and He chose me. I'm made in His image, and its beautiful. He made me beautiful. This goes for you too, friend. God chose man to reveal His glory. Weird.
This was fun, I'll do this more.
Over and out.
I want to write for a few minutes without thinking. I'm just going to jot whatever comes to mind, and see where it leads me.
I'm about to turn 23. I love it and I hate it. Even with all my new revelations and desires, its odd to look back at the past 22 years of my life and how my dreams have changed and brought me to where I am. I wish I was who I am now when I was 18, but I'm not. I'm okay with that. 2010 has been an awesome year so far. I adore my 52 Weeks project, it gives me something to look forward every week. Jump ship. I've had 3 conversations with 3 friends about 3 out-of-the-norm topics. Just things you deal with I guess-they've all got me thinking. Oops, about to over think, keep typing. I want to dance in the rain. I realise this sounds cheesy, but I do. One day when I was in highschool I was unusually happy and I went out on my patio and danced in a beautiful North Carolina storm. I miss the rain from NC. The rain drops are big. Another time in highschool, when I was being my typical cynical self with Meyer, and we walked around the neighborhood in a thunder storm. We've got the pictures to prove it. We're smiling in those photos, funny...because we quite upset on the walk. I guess sometimes you just need a friend to hold your hand in the rain. We used to sing songs, they were pretty funny, but pretty mean. Words hurts, remember that. This week even after my single ladies anthem, I suddenly felt myself feeling alone. Pretty ironic, but pretty typical of God (to challenge your new life anthems I mean). I'm over it now. I love being alone, I love figuring out life out by myself. I like to be independent, I didn't use to. ...but then again, I didn't use to loathe the idea of dating either. John says that'll change when the right guy comes along. We'll see. I'm not concerned. For now, I want to keep coloring peacocks (that drawing is taped to my wall, I'm proud of it for some odd reason). I want to keep listening to my depressed folk music followed by up-beat country music. Ya know, I like confidence. God spoke to me loads about humility when I first moved up here, once you grasp humility (which believe me I'm still learning to eat my humble pie) you learn boldness and confidence as well. This is who I am-this is who God made me. I know God, I hear Him, and He chose me. I'm made in His image, and its beautiful. He made me beautiful. This goes for you too, friend. God chose man to reveal His glory. Weird.
This was fun, I'll do this more.
Over and out.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Art of Being Single-Do it...
I was recently told by a wise couple (John and Kim for you Wisconsin folk) my lack of enthusiasm towards marriage and children right now is perfectly fine, a good thing even. I won't expound, but I am now at complete peace with keeping thoughts of wedding bells and screaming babies at an arm's distance. With this new weight lifted (I was feeling insane for having such bizarre wishes against marriage...) I've been able to enjoy thoughts of a time spent with God/me venturing into the world and accomplishing things I can't accomplish as a married woman! My most recent thought was this:
If a married woman spent time longing to go back to her single years or wishing her husband to die, her husband would be at the very LEAST incredibly offended. What would these thoughts say of the husband (or reverse the roles if you're a man) if she wants to go to a time where he is absent and no longer a part of who she is or her daily life. If a woman dreams of these days, clearly its reflective of a damaged marriage, negative mindset and/or a horrible spouse. Bottom line: if a married woman focuses on her wishes of living a single lifestyle, she is revealing her lowly thoughts of her husband.
Now let's view this in a different light. Singles often sit and complain and focus on a desired time of marriage (if not spoken aloud, its thought about in many cases). Now, marriage is BEAUTIFUL and a GENIUS picture of Christ's love; it's a serious relationship most of us will likely venture into in due time. However, we are called to not awaken or arouse love UNTIL it is time-God has great purpose in this. We are called to guard our heart for it is the well-spring of life. And we are told it is actually BETTER to be single than to be married because once we enter marriage our interests are DIVIDED and we are no longer able to surrender our hearts/minds/thoughts solely to God.
Okay...let's put all of these things together: What are we saying of our Creator when we are fixated on marriage instead of our current time with Him? Are we saying God is not good enough to satisfy? Are we actually revealing we don't appreciate this one time in our life that we can live beautifully alone with our Saviour without the massive distractions of a family? ...This is what it seems to be.
Look, I'm not saying I've lived my life this way-I most certainly have not. And while I regret learning this at (almost) 23, it will now mark my life. Also, I'm not saying its wrong/sinful to like members of the opposite sex. I mean, hello...that's how you eventually enter marriage-which God HAS indeed called a lot of us to. Nor am I implying one shouldn't talk to boys (or girls if you're a guy), come on-that's just weird. You DO actually have to form friendships with people to eventually date/marry.
I am simply stating this: check your heart and mind. Reflect on what your focus may be saying of your thoughts towards God compared to your future spouse. Which are you valuing more? What is your attitude towards your state of singleness speaking to those around you about your love/gratitude of God?
Over and out.
If a married woman spent time longing to go back to her single years or wishing her husband to die, her husband would be at the very LEAST incredibly offended. What would these thoughts say of the husband (or reverse the roles if you're a man) if she wants to go to a time where he is absent and no longer a part of who she is or her daily life. If a woman dreams of these days, clearly its reflective of a damaged marriage, negative mindset and/or a horrible spouse. Bottom line: if a married woman focuses on her wishes of living a single lifestyle, she is revealing her lowly thoughts of her husband.
Now let's view this in a different light. Singles often sit and complain and focus on a desired time of marriage (if not spoken aloud, its thought about in many cases). Now, marriage is BEAUTIFUL and a GENIUS picture of Christ's love; it's a serious relationship most of us will likely venture into in due time. However, we are called to not awaken or arouse love UNTIL it is time-God has great purpose in this. We are called to guard our heart for it is the well-spring of life. And we are told it is actually BETTER to be single than to be married because once we enter marriage our interests are DIVIDED and we are no longer able to surrender our hearts/minds/thoughts solely to God.
Okay...let's put all of these things together: What are we saying of our Creator when we are fixated on marriage instead of our current time with Him? Are we saying God is not good enough to satisfy? Are we actually revealing we don't appreciate this one time in our life that we can live beautifully alone with our Saviour without the massive distractions of a family? ...This is what it seems to be.
Look, I'm not saying I've lived my life this way-I most certainly have not. And while I regret learning this at (almost) 23, it will now mark my life. Also, I'm not saying its wrong/sinful to like members of the opposite sex. I mean, hello...that's how you eventually enter marriage-which God HAS indeed called a lot of us to. Nor am I implying one shouldn't talk to boys (or girls if you're a guy), come on-that's just weird. You DO actually have to form friendships with people to eventually date/marry.
I am simply stating this: check your heart and mind. Reflect on what your focus may be saying of your thoughts towards God compared to your future spouse. Which are you valuing more? What is your attitude towards your state of singleness speaking to those around you about your love/gratitude of God?
Over and out.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Come Back With Your Shield, Or On It
My past couple of days have produced much thought and reflection; also a "call to action" within myself. I'm watching the movie 300 while typing this, because I feel tenacious and like I want to fight for what I know to be Truth...obviously those Spartans help aid this mood-bahahah (but seriously, they do)!
Here's the Truth I know:
2 Timothy 2 says to be DILIGENT to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, but CORRECTLY HANDLES THE WORD OF TRUTH.
Okay, so whats the word of truth to us? It clearly can be the whole of the Word of God, also prophetic words to us/the "now-word" of God, what He speaks to us in our own personal times with Him or to our church bodies. Whatever you'd like to define it as (or God has given you revelation for...or heck, maybe you know the Greek), have we given our ALL to present ourselves approved? As Proverbs 4 instructed, is our gazed fixed straight ahead of us? Or as earlier in 2 Tim 2 says, are we entangling ourselves in civilian affairs? Basically, summing this all up in my head, I am now asking myself:
Are my days spent in the purposes of God? Or are my days worthless?
If I were stand before God every night and explain my day (it's activities, words, thoughts, exc) to Him, would I be ashamed? ...Or would I be confident in the fact that I had correctly handled my "word of truth"? Can I proudly and by the grace of God look Him in the eye knowing I gave everything I had to what He's spoken to me? I want to, oooh I want to! It's a sobering thought really, consider today and what you've done. Has it glorified God? Does it reflect what God is speaking to you, and wanting to grow/mature you in? Did it advance His Kingdom? Did you give it all you had? We can give excuses as to why today just "wasn't the day" because we're tired and had a lot to do, exc. ....But again, can you confidently stand before a holy and righteous God and say that? There are days God has grace on us and gives us rest, but I humbly say you are incredibly deceived if you believe your daily woes outweigh God's purposes.
It's time to live every moment with conviction and purpose. My days must reflect the evidence of God in my life.
Over and out.
*EDIT: I forgot to do a promised shoutout to my girl Kelllllllllly!!! She saw her first redneck tonight, and tomorrow she shall head up to Michigan to go "sledging" and do some huntin'! Live up this U.S. time girl ;-)!*
Here's the Truth I know:
2 Timothy 2 says to be DILIGENT to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, but CORRECTLY HANDLES THE WORD OF TRUTH.
Okay, so whats the word of truth to us? It clearly can be the whole of the Word of God, also prophetic words to us/the "now-word" of God, what He speaks to us in our own personal times with Him or to our church bodies. Whatever you'd like to define it as (or God has given you revelation for...or heck, maybe you know the Greek), have we given our ALL to present ourselves approved? As Proverbs 4 instructed, is our gazed fixed straight ahead of us? Or as earlier in 2 Tim 2 says, are we entangling ourselves in civilian affairs? Basically, summing this all up in my head, I am now asking myself:
Are my days spent in the purposes of God? Or are my days worthless?
If I were stand before God every night and explain my day (it's activities, words, thoughts, exc) to Him, would I be ashamed? ...Or would I be confident in the fact that I had correctly handled my "word of truth"? Can I proudly and by the grace of God look Him in the eye knowing I gave everything I had to what He's spoken to me? I want to, oooh I want to! It's a sobering thought really, consider today and what you've done. Has it glorified God? Does it reflect what God is speaking to you, and wanting to grow/mature you in? Did it advance His Kingdom? Did you give it all you had? We can give excuses as to why today just "wasn't the day" because we're tired and had a lot to do, exc. ....But again, can you confidently stand before a holy and righteous God and say that? There are days God has grace on us and gives us rest, but I humbly say you are incredibly deceived if you believe your daily woes outweigh God's purposes.
It's time to live every moment with conviction and purpose. My days must reflect the evidence of God in my life.
Over and out.
*EDIT: I forgot to do a promised shoutout to my girl Kelllllllllly!!! She saw her first redneck tonight, and tomorrow she shall head up to Michigan to go "sledging" and do some huntin'! Live up this U.S. time girl ;-)!*
Friday, January 22, 2010
Who are You? Tell me so I can love You...
I want to fall in love with God, not just the ideas and the wisdom of God-but WHO He is. I want to fall in love with the person of Jesus Christ. My natural leaning is towards wanting to know theology/things of the sort and therefore become more interested in the thoughts and plans of God than His Being. Every now and again I realize I've searched after word meanings or master-plans, and lost God in the midst of it all. One of my favorite quotes (as listed in Facebook, because we know that makes it legit) is from AW Tozer. It reads,
"The modern scientist has lost God amid the wonders of His world; we Christians are in real danger of losing God amid the wonders of His Word. We have almost forgotten that God is a person and, as such, can be cultivated as any person can. It is inherent in personality to be able to know other personalities, but full knowledge of one personality by another cannot be achieved in one encounter. It is only after long and loving mental intercourse that the full possibilites of both can be explored."
I want to always focus on being in love with Him, not just knowing about Him and being astounded by it. The awe of God helps love, but doesn't solely create it. Anyway, I say all of this because I want your help with something. Yesterday I read 2 Samuel 6 and stopped once I came across the telling of a situation that had once baffled me, and I realized still does.
2 Sam 6:6-7
But when they came to the threshing floor of Nacon, Izzah reached out toward the ark of God and took ahold of it, for the oxen nearly upset it. And the anger of the Lord burned against Uzzah, and God struck him down there for his irreverence; and he died by the ark of God.
Ya know that part in SNL during the news segment where they say over and over after each story, "Really? REALLY? Yeah..realllllly?" -That's how I feel. Now, if you read on, David was pretty upset with God as well. I was journaling about it, and asking God why He would be so upset when Izzah was probably acting out of mere reaction, and also in protection of His ark! Later I came to weak conclusion of perhaps its because we shouldn't act of mere natural (re)action when approaching God's presence and plans. Also, we need to have revelation of God's sovereignty and choice, as well as His plans and our having little to do with it. I'm not sure though, and I'm not confident with any of these answers. I want to know a solid answer, because I want to understand God more. I want to fall in love with more of who He is after I came to any sort of peace within myself as to why this happened.
Now, I looked up some things online, I read (and even glued in my journal) what John Wesley said, but I want to know other people's opinions! I really have to humble myself in putting this out to the public, because to be 100% honest (and admit pride, ha!) I get annoyed when people state the really obvious to me as if I didn't know. ...But as I said, that's my pride and I need to humble myself in it. I DO want people's WHOLE opinions.
Why did God kill Uzzah? Did David understand, because he was mad at God for it and wouldn't even move the Ark for a while because He was so scared. Was that God's intention? Or David's misunderstanding? ...I could go ooooooooon and on with questions pertaining to this-so please, read the passage and share an opinion! Pray and seek God, and maybe He'll speak to us all through it! Pleaaaaaaaaaaase :-D!
(Oh, and sometimes people comment on my facebook concerning blogs, you can comment on my blog even if you're not a user!)
Over and out.
"The modern scientist has lost God amid the wonders of His world; we Christians are in real danger of losing God amid the wonders of His Word. We have almost forgotten that God is a person and, as such, can be cultivated as any person can. It is inherent in personality to be able to know other personalities, but full knowledge of one personality by another cannot be achieved in one encounter. It is only after long and loving mental intercourse that the full possibilites of both can be explored."
I want to always focus on being in love with Him, not just knowing about Him and being astounded by it. The awe of God helps love, but doesn't solely create it. Anyway, I say all of this because I want your help with something. Yesterday I read 2 Samuel 6 and stopped once I came across the telling of a situation that had once baffled me, and I realized still does.
2 Sam 6:6-7
But when they came to the threshing floor of Nacon, Izzah reached out toward the ark of God and took ahold of it, for the oxen nearly upset it. And the anger of the Lord burned against Uzzah, and God struck him down there for his irreverence; and he died by the ark of God.
Ya know that part in SNL during the news segment where they say over and over after each story, "Really? REALLY? Yeah..realllllly?" -That's how I feel. Now, if you read on, David was pretty upset with God as well. I was journaling about it, and asking God why He would be so upset when Izzah was probably acting out of mere reaction, and also in protection of His ark! Later I came to weak conclusion of perhaps its because we shouldn't act of mere natural (re)action when approaching God's presence and plans. Also, we need to have revelation of God's sovereignty and choice, as well as His plans and our having little to do with it. I'm not sure though, and I'm not confident with any of these answers. I want to know a solid answer, because I want to understand God more. I want to fall in love with more of who He is after I came to any sort of peace within myself as to why this happened.
Now, I looked up some things online, I read (and even glued in my journal) what John Wesley said, but I want to know other people's opinions! I really have to humble myself in putting this out to the public, because to be 100% honest (and admit pride, ha!) I get annoyed when people state the really obvious to me as if I didn't know. ...But as I said, that's my pride and I need to humble myself in it. I DO want people's WHOLE opinions.
Why did God kill Uzzah? Did David understand, because he was mad at God for it and wouldn't even move the Ark for a while because He was so scared. Was that God's intention? Or David's misunderstanding? ...I could go ooooooooon and on with questions pertaining to this-so please, read the passage and share an opinion! Pray and seek God, and maybe He'll speak to us all through it! Pleaaaaaaaaaaase :-D!
(Oh, and sometimes people comment on my facebook concerning blogs, you can comment on my blog even if you're not a user!)
Over and out.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Green with Envy/Settled with Peace
All week I've been saying to myself and whining to God, "I wish I could be like the guy from Bon Iver..." Ya see, after Justin Vernon (Bon Iver guy) broke up with his band and went through a break up with his girlfriend (all happened in NC might I add), he moved into the wilderness of Wisconsin. Vernon experienced a very Walden-esque time period while living alone in a cabin for 3 months where he "soul-searched", and then walked back into society with an amazing new album summing up his thoughts and conclusions.
I want three months alone. I want three months without any distractions or influences or voices or busyness. I want three months-me, God and wilderness. I want it, but I can't have it.
I've been busy, I won't go in to all details...but I've been very busy. Tonight, I come home from teaching and running diaper errands and sat down at my lap top to sign on to my office computer for insurance work (via an online program). Sadly, I found my office computer was frozen and there was nothing I could do to solve the problem. I was upset because I have lots of work to do, and turned down a couple of friends to hang out because of this work. I look around my room..it's messy with Christmas decorations I have yet to organize, clean clothes I have yet to hang up, and my Bible sitting upon my desk.
I grab my Bible and journal and plop on my bed. I had time to look at what's going on in Haiti and pray this nation is shown the love and mercy of God in a way that brings their eyes to Him! I had time to pray for my sister and her family. I had time to hear from God and allow Him to quiet me with His love. I wasn't enjoying 3 months of solitude, but I was undeniably enjoying rest with God in the midst of a hectic season.
Earlier today Meyer told me about some verses God speaks to her through often. They really struck a chord in my heart, so after I reviewed what God's been speaking to me about (Ecc 3:6/2 Tim 2:4) I flipped to Proverbs.
Proverbs 4:25-27
Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to left; turn your foot from evil.
There is so much going on in and around me these days, but God has a path chosen for me and I must look ahead-look STRAIGHT at Him! My next 3 months most likely are not going to slow down and/or go towards a path void of people, jobs, babies or distractions. However, God STILL wants to speak to me, He still has loads to reveal of Himself and His people and His church! I can experience silence and peace when I simply look straight ahead on my one path. It's like blinders on a horse's face; there may be much around me, but God's chosen specific things for me to fix my gaze on which alleviates all that is zooming by. My eyes must look directly ahead, and when they do-I will get the results I was wishing for from the Wisconsin wilderness. Life only gets crazier I'm seeing first-hand; we must learn now to follow this proverb to find rest in exactly what God's laid before us. Ah, beautiful wisdom of His Word.
(And don't worry, in case you were wondering-I took care of my clothes and old Christmas decorations ;-)
Over and out.
I want three months alone. I want three months without any distractions or influences or voices or busyness. I want three months-me, God and wilderness. I want it, but I can't have it.
I've been busy, I won't go in to all details...but I've been very busy. Tonight, I come home from teaching and running diaper errands and sat down at my lap top to sign on to my office computer for insurance work (via an online program). Sadly, I found my office computer was frozen and there was nothing I could do to solve the problem. I was upset because I have lots of work to do, and turned down a couple of friends to hang out because of this work. I look around my room..it's messy with Christmas decorations I have yet to organize, clean clothes I have yet to hang up, and my Bible sitting upon my desk.
I grab my Bible and journal and plop on my bed. I had time to look at what's going on in Haiti and pray this nation is shown the love and mercy of God in a way that brings their eyes to Him! I had time to pray for my sister and her family. I had time to hear from God and allow Him to quiet me with His love. I wasn't enjoying 3 months of solitude, but I was undeniably enjoying rest with God in the midst of a hectic season.
Earlier today Meyer told me about some verses God speaks to her through often. They really struck a chord in my heart, so after I reviewed what God's been speaking to me about (Ecc 3:6/2 Tim 2:4) I flipped to Proverbs.
Proverbs 4:25-27
Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to left; turn your foot from evil.
There is so much going on in and around me these days, but God has a path chosen for me and I must look ahead-look STRAIGHT at Him! My next 3 months most likely are not going to slow down and/or go towards a path void of people, jobs, babies or distractions. However, God STILL wants to speak to me, He still has loads to reveal of Himself and His people and His church! I can experience silence and peace when I simply look straight ahead on my one path. It's like blinders on a horse's face; there may be much around me, but God's chosen specific things for me to fix my gaze on which alleviates all that is zooming by. My eyes must look directly ahead, and when they do-I will get the results I was wishing for from the Wisconsin wilderness. Life only gets crazier I'm seeing first-hand; we must learn now to follow this proverb to find rest in exactly what God's laid before us. Ah, beautiful wisdom of His Word.
(And don't worry, in case you were wondering-I took care of my clothes and old Christmas decorations ;-)
Over and out.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Searching, Losing, Keeping and Throwing Away
This year (the past few months I mean, not the last 5 days of 2010) have been difficult, confusing, unbearable and a joy (correct, answer D does not fit). I'm 22, yet I've felt younger and younger with every passing day. I know the reality of the situation is these processes are maturing me, but it's one of those things...like Spring Cleaning: Where you must get everything really messy before you can properly clean it up. A deep clean most people call it; Worse before it gets better. This isn't to say whole life is a mess, it looks pretty much the same I suppose-but you wouldn't believe the mess of my mind (or maybe you would be I am total product of my time and share all of my thoughts on social networking sites? ;-)
God spoke to me clearly the other day in a random conversation with a friend, and expounded upon it later with me. He said, "You're safe here". 'Here' referring to my swirly mind which is questioning harder now than every before. I look in the mirror and I'm just not sure who I see. ...And to be honest-I'm not even sure who I want to see. Now, now-I know I am Christ's daughter, and a part of His Beloved Bride! I know I am who He declares me to be! God already spoke to me of all these things to build His foundations in my mind of my identity...but now we're building up... What does a Godly woman look like? How does she think? I had my ideas, but they've come crashing down. I cringe admitting this, but I don't even feel excited about marriage right now. I'm even more apathetic about kids! I give myself chills saying that (the creepy kind) because I've always aspired to wear pearls while vacuuming and wearing my vintage apron while preparing the most creative of dinner menus for my family of 5 (again, I hope people understand I exaggerate to make points, ha...I talk in parenthesis too much in my blog. Whatever...) I suppose it may not seem to be a big deal to some, but its shocking the heck out of me! These mindsets came out of what I believe God set out before me, being a woman in His Kingdom, so feeling and thinking differently right now..well, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!??!?! ...But God said, "It's safe here".
So tonight I was journaling about all that which I'm having a hard time with, and the storm in my mind which I know He desires to calm. I just simply don't know what to think about anything unless it's 100% clear and laid out in Scripture. I won't go into all I'm questioning and confused about...but its a lot, and its taken its toll on me. While I'm writing down my thoughts, Eccelesiastes 3:6 pops in my head. I guess I don't know my Bible as well as I'd like to think, because I was pretty unsure of what I would find. I was excepting maybe a verse about everything in life being meaningless-which is AWESOME because that's exactly what I need to calming my aching thoughts, right? So, I pop open my Bible and go straight to 3:6 expecting to be depressed by the word of instruction I would now receive. Instead, I read this:
Ecc 3:6
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
Tears, all I have is tears in response to that. Tears because I know God is marking my year with exactly that: At times, searching and finding His answers. Also, throwing my hands up in surrender and declaring "lost"-which I'm sure will end in answers as well. I will also learn what mindsets and thoughts I must keep, and what I must toss aside. Searching, losing, keeping and throwing away. For some reason, this verse brings such comfort. God is so real. Of any book and chapter and verse to pop into my head, this one comes to mind-and here I find exactly what I'm going through, and God is teaching me to find safety in. This is His plan for me right now, Ecc 3:6-these are my times.
Oh God, still tears-I'm ready for the journey. Be my Light.
Over and out.
God spoke to me clearly the other day in a random conversation with a friend, and expounded upon it later with me. He said, "You're safe here". 'Here' referring to my swirly mind which is questioning harder now than every before. I look in the mirror and I'm just not sure who I see. ...And to be honest-I'm not even sure who I want to see. Now, now-I know I am Christ's daughter, and a part of His Beloved Bride! I know I am who He declares me to be! God already spoke to me of all these things to build His foundations in my mind of my identity...but now we're building up... What does a Godly woman look like? How does she think? I had my ideas, but they've come crashing down. I cringe admitting this, but I don't even feel excited about marriage right now. I'm even more apathetic about kids! I give myself chills saying that (the creepy kind) because I've always aspired to wear pearls while vacuuming and wearing my vintage apron while preparing the most creative of dinner menus for my family of 5 (again, I hope people understand I exaggerate to make points, ha...I talk in parenthesis too much in my blog. Whatever...) I suppose it may not seem to be a big deal to some, but its shocking the heck out of me! These mindsets came out of what I believe God set out before me, being a woman in His Kingdom, so feeling and thinking differently right now..well, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!??!?! ...But God said, "It's safe here".
So tonight I was journaling about all that which I'm having a hard time with, and the storm in my mind which I know He desires to calm. I just simply don't know what to think about anything unless it's 100% clear and laid out in Scripture. I won't go into all I'm questioning and confused about...but its a lot, and its taken its toll on me. While I'm writing down my thoughts, Eccelesiastes 3:6 pops in my head. I guess I don't know my Bible as well as I'd like to think, because I was pretty unsure of what I would find. I was excepting maybe a verse about everything in life being meaningless-which is AWESOME because that's exactly what I need to calming my aching thoughts, right? So, I pop open my Bible and go straight to 3:6 expecting to be depressed by the word of instruction I would now receive. Instead, I read this:
Ecc 3:6
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
Tears, all I have is tears in response to that. Tears because I know God is marking my year with exactly that: At times, searching and finding His answers. Also, throwing my hands up in surrender and declaring "lost"-which I'm sure will end in answers as well. I will also learn what mindsets and thoughts I must keep, and what I must toss aside. Searching, losing, keeping and throwing away. For some reason, this verse brings such comfort. God is so real. Of any book and chapter and verse to pop into my head, this one comes to mind-and here I find exactly what I'm going through, and God is teaching me to find safety in. This is His plan for me right now, Ecc 3:6-these are my times.
Oh God, still tears-I'm ready for the journey. Be my Light.
Over and out.
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