What do you see?

Here's the thing. I should be doing 1 million things besides 'this' right now. I was meant to drive to V&C, but there were some car issues. Reading and good ol' school work awaits me, laundry is in the utility room needing it's cleaning process to somehow come to an end, my room is a hot mess and I could always get online to do some insurance work. Instead, I'm taking a moment to sit and ponder with my computer and singing friend (Bon Iver, of course).

Last Monday as I was making my bed (which I'll sadly admit, has become a rare chore I complete lately), I found a little strip of paper resembling a fortune from a fortune cookie. I said a quick prayer much to the effect of "Lord, please let this be prophetic!" before laying eyes on this mysterious message. It's contents I knew would be a complete surprise to me because I'm not a Chinese food type girl, and I really have no clue how it found its way into my sheets. Reaching, hoping and praying - I read the words, "You will find a new challenge this week". Oh? A new challenge? Great, just what I wanted. Well, as they say, "Careful what you pray for"...I mean, okay - what they really say is "careful what you wish for", but I needed to make this phrase applicable for my story, so work with me here.

Last Monday seems so far away, for what I've seen and learned since then I can barely begin to type into this small box. I learned in my philosophy class (greatest class ever, by the way) that the way we perceive ourselves to look physically, is actually a bit distorted in comparison to our true outward appearance. We don't see what others see, we see a mirror image of ourselves because that's all that's available to us. I got to thinking, what if I find myself better looking than I am? Or what if the flaws I secretly wish away are less noticeable to others? How will I ever know how other's see me next to how I see myself? Who correctly sees me for who I am? Is my perception of my appearance right, or others'? Who is the judge of this? Through a series of events, tears and sit-ins in the corner of Starbucks - God has spoken to me of who I am in a way that no mirror, picture, nor person can hold any opinion to.

You see, often our realisation of short-comings begin to taint our idea of ourselves. I've made mistakes and I failed. I've fallen flat on my face and tried to come to grips with the scars I figured would not fade. In where I thought I was having wisdom in lessening what I thought of myself, God said I was hiding what He made and what is beautiful in His sight. A mistake or a scar does not become the image of who we are. We are not defined by our failures or losses, and we aren't even defined by our victories or the times we have overcome - we are defined by the words of God, and what He's done on the cross. If He says He's nailed my sins to the cross, and taken away my debt - I am free, and I am sinless. There is not a record of where I've fallen short, and there should be one in my mind. I don't have old habits to fear or hide from. I don't have to walk in worry of falling into the sin I once knew, because it's gone. It's erased and its no more - its not a trap to fall into once again, because my feet are on firm ground. Something happened in the past few days where I cried out to God, "Where is my safety net? You've taken it away and I feel I have no net to catch me if I fall..." He quickly responded to me and said, "Your obedience to Me is your safety net". It's as simple as that. I can run and skip and dance, and if I'm choosing obedience I still may fall -but I fall safely into Him. Maybe my writings here to too vague to hit home with anyone else, but this has radically changed me. I was gripped and paralyzed by such a need to avoid mistakes I felt so prone to, but if I continue in obedience, I find rest and peace with Him. I do not have a disposition towards anything but success and God's glory when I am given to His purposes. God is FOR me and has defined me by His perfect and loving nature.

I am who He says I am, I am not what my past holds record of.

Over and out.