Confession: I don't want to read my book for Book Club

The book club I created for my 52 Weeks Project is reading 1984 by George Orwell. It seems to be great book, judging by what I've read so far, not to mention its ability to remain in every day conversation as well a highschool reading lists. However, I've run into a problem. I've shut off my brain. I suppose I've jumped from the Tin Man to the Scarecrow? God spoke to me about my heart and I've been up in arms (what does expression even mean?! Up in arms? Reminds me our 2nd Amendment right to Bear Arms, which I do stand by, fyi. I mean, if its in the Constitution by which our country was founded on why are we trying to take it away. Go start a new country if you don't like what the US was created to be. Whoa-bunny trail. Bop it on the head). Alright, so I've learned I must use my heart, and in my extremest-self nature I've opted to shut off my brain to focus solely on the heart! Therefore, to maintain my comatose state I haven't wanted to read the book I chose for our book club. Instead I've read Fitness Magazine, People, and a charming book a friend is letting me borrow (entertaining and heart wrenching, but not all that intellectually challenging). I don't want to think, I simply don't want to use my mind.

I've heard a few times that in the Bible the words "heart" and "mind" are interchangeable. Now, I haven't researched it for myself, and come to think of it - I can't even remember exactly who has said it even.... But let's assume its factual. Heart and mind, mind and heart. One in the same, really? Well, I suppose if God in self-breathed Scripture doesn't mind flip-flopping between the two, it can work? So, this equates through my thought process the two either work together or are one-in-the same. I don't believe they are the identical, each clearly have their own special function and communication. However, working together? Yes, I see it. My heart knows and gains revelation, and my mind follows. Or my mind knows and sees truth, and waits for my heart to align. Why, I suppose I've experienced both of these before!

Then there's this verse that is worthy of looking further into (as all verses are):
Matthew 22:36-37
Some guy, apparently a lawyer, asks Jesus, "Teacher, what is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus hits him back with this response, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind."

I should love with my mind? Well, my mind does love knowledge I guess. And my mind loves truth and revelation. My heart loves these things as well, but since my heart isn't a tablet to be read and factually analyzed, my heart goes deeper and farther in God. It can know in a different way than my mind can know. Oh, but my mind can understand and search and ponder in a way my heart is not able to! Yet, they are both working together for the common good of Jesus Christ! Interchangeable, a heart knows and a mind knows. They love, seek truth and learn.

God's been bringing me to Eph 3:14-19 a great deal in the past week. It talks about being rooted and grounded in love, then telling of Paul's hope that we grasp the width and depth and height and so on of His love. To grasp a concept to me is to connect and understand with the mind. It's when we are able to say, "I understand Your love, God". Paul ends this tidbit though by praying we know the love that surpasses all knowledge. Again, translated in the Sarah-speak, I shall say "the love that surpasses my mind." So, my mind needs to grasp these concepts of love, but I shouldn't stop it at my mind...Instead, I add onto what the mind can perceive a heart thats knows a love that surpasses my knowledge.

It's beautiful, really. God didn't make us robots to function as computers with only facts and wisdom, nor we are tossed back and forth by dangerous emotionally led lives. We have both, knowledge-based minds and emotion/revelation based hearts. Oh, the harmony.

Over and out.

I am the Tin Man

I haven't always been this way, and I don't believe it'll last much longer than tonight. You see, certain things happen in life that can really rattle a girl, or maybe its too many of certain things happening can rattle a girl. As I've mentioned before, I jokingly said to my bestie earlier this year, "I'm one bad relationship away from the becoming a cat lady". The sad thing? I really wasn't joking. Now, I've made poor choices, I've been deceived and I've "followed my heart"-while I cannot say I do not regret unfortunate decisions just because of what I've learned, I'm none-the-less grateful for my new found revelations and wisdoms. However, with difficult lessons learned on the battlefield, come wounds. These wounds are the topic of the night.

In natural life the heart pumps blood throughout the entire body through little veins and arteries. I can easily see a small organ affecting all areas of the body being the case emotionally as well. A bad heart not only shows its affects in crazy-cat-lady like symptoms, but pops up through out many other bits of life. Tonight, at risk of making myself out to be an awful human being, I will tell you of my realisation of my other symptoms.

A few people have said things to me recently of allowing God to speak to my heart. You know, past the mind and into the heart. I hesitate always when this is said to me, because sometimes I feel Christians can be easily content with never diving deep into the things of God but rather just "feeling" it. I suppose that isn't just a Christian thing, perhaps more of a generational thing, but I'm digressing. Moving along... After 3 particular happenings in a small time span of women telling me God wished to speak to my heart, I decided I'd give it a go. My heart has come 2nd to mind recently for reasons stated above (following of the heart and the trouble that followed along after it). Today I was being very raw with God and asked Him why I had to do this heart thing anyway. I didn't like it-I'm trying to become smarter, not put away my brain to follow simply follow my deceitful heart. His reasoning back to me was simple and clear (so gracious of Him to respond in a way both my mind and heart would appreciate). The conclusion was this: If I always wish God to speak FIRST to my mind, I will be limited to what my mind can handle. I can't truly dive into the depths of Him when I'm asking all things to pass through the understanding of my mind. My heart needs to lead in knowing within the depths of MYSELF its truth, and later my brain can seek to follow. Alright, got it.

Keeping this in mind...
Tonight I've been watching baby Ella (my niece). She's a lovely little girl who I believe will grow into a God fearing woman, but for now-she screams more than your average baby (Acid Reflux) and perhaps isn't enjoying life as much as other 3 1/2 month olds. I watch her often, and I miss kissing her chubby cheeks if I go 24 hours without doing so. I like to hold her and I love it when she smiles. With that said, living in a household with a baby has prolonged the desired absence of children in my own life. I keep thinking to myself-I can't wait for when she's older and we can talk. I want to understand her and know her. Now, these aren't bad things, but I've felt I can't truly love her until I know her. Tonight I was holding Ella rocking her to sleep when the thought hit me, "I don't have a true connection or grounded love for Ella, simply because I don't understand her yet. I don't know why she's always crying, and I can't sit down and speak to her in order to analyze her actions. Therefore, I don't have this deep love I was expecting to have." It broke my heart, and then I felt God bring back to memory of what we'd gone over earlier today. I've been trying to lead with my mind. My mind can think of why to love Ella, the probability of my love for her in future years, exc-but it can't make me feel and know love for her. My heart though, my heart can just know-it can know a deep love, without my mind having to catch up. My heart must first love her, without my mind giving me full reason to do so yet. I love her, because I do-not because I know or understand, but because I just do.

God went further to explain to me this will be how I must grasp certain concepts and truths of Him. My mind often will not be able to comprehend deep and unfathomable thoughts of God, but He will set it within my heart in babe form. My heart will know its truth, and once its set in-it will grow in a way where my mind can analyze and process-but only because my heart accepted it first. Just as I do not have to completely know and understand Ella before loving her, I do not have to 100% grasp the lofty things of God before I accept them and take them on board.



"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."
"But I still want one."



Over and out.

My Love for Avocados and My Unfiltered Mouth.

I love avocados. I was standing in my kitchen eating a wrap (consisting of cheese/avocado/salsa) when this feeling of awe and amazement took over me. All I could think was "I LOVE avocados", and then I devised a plan as to how to make my love known. You see, when a strong emotion/desire/thought comes to mind, it takes over my very being and I feel the urgent need to say something alerting as least one person of whatever has taken control of me. Tonight, it was avocados.

I began to ponder this as I realised the absurdity of my need to tell someone of something so small and insignificant. I looked at my track record of this happening; a thought or idea comes to mind and I feel so strongly I immediately blurt it out with out any thought of consequence or repercussion. It's a fire in my bones to quote Jeremiah, however the fire is not always the Word of God, but you know...avocados. When the times arise where my thoughts are of a more serious nature and should NOT explode out of my mouth, I attempt to hold it in. I often last, ooooooooh...10 minutes before I burst forth with my news or revelation.
Why is that my 10 minutes of agony in my recognition of reason and wisdom, is more often than not subdued to my will to share my thought. The verse "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks" is a verse seeming to mark my life, yet not always in the greatest of ways.

We're called to:
Be slow to speak (James 1:19)
Guard our mouth (Prov 21:23)
Not be hasty or impulsive in our words (Ecc 5:2)


How is it I can become SO gripped with such great of a passion for things large and small? Whether my thoughts are uplifting or harmful I am not satisfied until it leaves my mouth. It's as if the thought cannot stop penetrating my mind until its released in word form.

I want to be aware of this, and allow the fear of God to reign in my words and outbursts.

Ironically enough, this very rant was another thought I was overcome by and felt the need to share. I suppose sometimes its not so bad...

Over and out.

One friend, Two Friends, Three Friends, Four...

Friends, smiends. I wrote a facebook note questioning the friendships between males and females. As always, often when I post a question or ask opinions, I get many responses in which I say to myself "duh!" or "what the...?" However, I did really appreciate the opinions given, especially those of some of my married friends. However, I remain at the same conclusion. For myself, I don't really pursue close friendships with guys-I've been told by those in authority over me that I create very "intimate friendships". Ya know, I'm not totally sure if that's good or bad. In history of my friendships its produced both great fruit as well as utter disaster! I tend to want to draw the deep things of the heart and mind to surface, however in a guy-girl friendship this can create a bond that can turn inappropriate. I don't want to be naive (its pure folly according to many Proverbs) and I don't want to overlook the heart being deceitful and beyond cure. Therefore, for the safety of myself and others-I generally won't get too close to a boy (ie-hanging out alone, talking excessively, sharing "secrets"). Oh, and yes-to clarify-I understand romance comes from friendship, when I'm referring to friendships in my recent questions, I mean strictly platonic friendships!

Okay, so I know what I think when it comes to me personally, but I still don't know how to view others and their friendships. I could list off of the top of my head NUMEROUS friendships in which person A likes person B, and person B is completely oblivious. I could also list off the guy-girl friends that are talked about constantly with such comments as "They'd make a good couple" or "Do they like eachother, because they spend a lot of time together". I also know of many people involved in close guy-girl friendships that comment they'll "back off" once one or both of them enter a romantic relationship with person C or D. If the relationship must make adjustments in the future then has it not already crossed boundaries? In my mind, the answer is clear-yes.

We are called to live above reproach, live pure and holy lives, and act in a manner worthy of our calling. I don't want to be a stickler, and Paul says all things are permissible, but he goes on to say not all things are beneficial. Does a close relationship with a guy I'm not interested in benefit me? Does it benefit him? Does it benefit the onlookers I'm wishing to be an example of Christ to?

I will most likely soon delete my facebook note. While there are many things I feel God is giving me revelation on, this isn't the top of my list and I don't want to get too distracted by it. For where my thoughts are, my time and prayer tend to go as well. I don't feel the urgency in knowing about this, but I do hope God speaks to me over time. Until then....

Okay, just figured I'd clarify further for any secret blog readers out there. On a much lighter note, I'm going to Chicago this weekend to celebrate St. Patty's Day and I can't WAIT! I've bought rechargeable batteries for my camera and everything. Show me that green river!

Over and out.

I knew I wouldn't forget ya, and so I went and let you blow my mind...

I'm listening to my newly created "Summer" playlist on itunes; "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train is on repeat (I have Sarah Freeborn to thank for this hidden treasure). The curtains are pulled back revealing the 45 degree sunny Monday afternoon, and I'm watching impatiently as the snow melts in the back yard. Spring Time is in the air (that's a throw back to the poem I wrote in 3rd grade that was put in the newspaper, oh yeah-I've made it big time before).

I've enjoyed Winter. Mainly the coffee, good talks and sledding. My life has reflected the Wisconsin Winter I feel. I've shivered, I've sought warmth and comfort in a land unknown, yet I've known the beauty in the bitter cold with it's snowy blankets. God's graced me with many, many caring people in my daily life who care and pray for me-these people have told me a of an amazing journey up ahead. Questions are being answered, wisdoms being made complete, and none of this is taking place in the Disney Princess birds-bringing-me-my-robe type way, but instead instead a Queen Victoria authoritative sort of way. (I'll expound upon that later perhaps-it was what someone felt God was saying to them pertaining to me. God speaks, I'm glad I believe that, and glad I hear Him...that's another topic for another day though).

Spring is around the corner. I'm ready for sundresses, lemonade, late night talks outside and new budding flowers. I feel in love again. Mmmmm...

Over and out.

I give up.

You might recall me mentioning at the beginning of this year a verse God had spoken to me explaining what this phase of life would consist of. However, while most wouldn't be able to recite my every blog post, I'll refresh your memory:

Ecc 3:6
A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.

While I rejoiced and wept at God confirming what I was understanding to be true in my life and heart, I was wee confused as to how the "time to give up as lost" would take place. You see, I often get on a soap-box of how Christians shouldn't just give up on lofty and difficult concepts of God, ie: Predestination vs. Freewill, Eschatology, Dating, exc. I firmly, firmly believe when God comes back for His perfected Bride we'll of sought Him so earnestly that He reveals many of His secret wisdoms to us as He promised! All this to say, the concept of "giving up as lost" I found to be a bit odd, until tonight.

There are many answers I'm wanting from God and many mindsets I'm wishing to reflect His glory and perfection! However, God has been going into the depths of my thoughts and heart where the answers no longer lay in the back of my mind. In the past few days infact, He's dealt strictly with mindsets I know to be wrong, but have come to my wit's end in attempts to even know what is the correct mindset or how to reach it. In my frustration, the other night I felt God wanted me to humble myself and explain one of my I-Know-To-Be-Wrong-Mindsets to a certain woman with much wisdom and knowledge. The same sort of situation came up again tonight. I became very upset with another wrong mindset of mine and my lack of knowledge to fix it (because I feel I normally know in the back of mind what I'm supposed to think and can get myself there eventually through God's grace). God laid another insightful woman on my heart and told me to humble myself again and ask her.

Suddenly it clicked in my head, here I am: Giving up as lost. Before God chose to take through me down this oh-so-interesting path of these past couple of months, He instilled in me that grand importance of humility in my life. I often understand why, and tonight I again see how humility MUST be evident in order for my growth (which hopefully can influence the Body!). I've had to be humble to come before these women. Honestly, at first it was a big gulp of swallowing my pride because I want to naturally appear as if I have it together, but I don't. I just don't-I've got to give up as lost sometimes, and God's placed amazing people in my life to help me when I come to this place! God is so beautiful to me! He speaks to us His plans before He outworks them, and while we can struggle in figuring out what exactly He means when He does speak...it's pure radiance once light is shed upon it. I feel as if my words of gratitude to God would not even do justice to His lovingkindness in my life! I'm so thankful to know a merciful God who seeks us out and transforms us into His likeness, all while holding our hand along the way.

I understand now when He said I would find the time to give up as lost, and I will be obedient to His instruction.

Over and out.