I haven't always been this way, and I don't believe it'll last much longer than tonight. You see, certain things happen in life that can really rattle a girl, or maybe its too many of certain things happening can rattle a girl. As I've mentioned before, I jokingly said to my bestie earlier this year, "I'm one bad relationship away from the becoming a cat lady". The sad thing? I really wasn't joking. Now, I've made poor choices, I've been deceived and I've "followed my heart"-while I cannot say I do not regret unfortunate decisions just because of what I've learned, I'm none-the-less grateful for my new found revelations and wisdoms. However, with difficult lessons learned on the battlefield, come wounds. These wounds are the topic of the night.
In natural life the heart pumps blood throughout the entire body through little veins and arteries. I can easily see a small organ affecting all areas of the body being the case emotionally as well. A bad heart not only shows its affects in crazy-cat-lady like symptoms, but pops up through out many other bits of life. Tonight, at risk of making myself out to be an awful human being, I will tell you of my realisation of my other symptoms.
A few people have said things to me recently of allowing God to speak to my heart. You know, past the mind and into the heart. I hesitate always when this is said to me, because sometimes I feel Christians can be easily content with never diving deep into the things of God but rather just "feeling" it. I suppose that isn't just a Christian thing, perhaps more of a generational thing, but I'm digressing. Moving along... After 3 particular happenings in a small time span of women telling me God wished to speak to my heart, I decided I'd give it a go. My heart has come 2nd to mind recently for reasons stated above (following of the heart and the trouble that followed along after it). Today I was being very raw with God and asked Him why I had to do this heart thing anyway. I didn't like it-I'm trying to become smarter, not put away my brain to follow simply follow my deceitful heart. His reasoning back to me was simple and clear (so gracious of Him to respond in a way both my mind and heart would appreciate). The conclusion was this: If I always wish God to speak FIRST to my mind, I will be limited to what my mind can handle. I can't truly dive into the depths of Him when I'm asking all things to pass through the understanding of my mind. My heart needs to lead in knowing within the depths of MYSELF its truth, and later my brain can seek to follow. Alright, got it.
Keeping this in mind...
Tonight I've been watching baby Ella (my niece). She's a lovely little girl who I believe will grow into a God fearing woman, but for now-she screams more than your average baby (Acid Reflux) and perhaps isn't enjoying life as much as other 3 1/2 month olds. I watch her often, and I miss kissing her chubby cheeks if I go 24 hours without doing so. I like to hold her and I love it when she smiles. With that said, living in a household with a baby has prolonged the desired absence of children in my own life. I keep thinking to myself-I can't wait for when she's older and we can talk. I want to understand her and know her. Now, these aren't bad things, but I've felt I can't truly love her until I know her. Tonight I was holding Ella rocking her to sleep when the thought hit me, "I don't have a true connection or grounded love for Ella, simply because I don't understand her yet. I don't know why she's always crying, and I can't sit down and speak to her in order to analyze her actions. Therefore, I don't have this deep love I was expecting to have." It broke my heart, and then I felt God bring back to memory of what we'd gone over earlier today. I've been trying to lead with my mind. My mind can think of why to love Ella, the probability of my love for her in future years, exc-but it can't make me feel and know love for her. My heart though, my heart can just know-it can know a deep love, without my mind having to catch up. My heart must first love her, without my mind giving me full reason to do so yet. I love her, because I do-not because I know or understand, but because I just do.
God went further to explain to me this will be how I must grasp certain concepts and truths of Him. My mind often will not be able to comprehend deep and unfathomable thoughts of God, but He will set it within my heart in babe form. My heart will know its truth, and once its set in-it will grow in a way where my mind can analyze and process-but only because my heart accepted it first. Just as I do not have to completely know and understand Ella before loving her, I do not have to 100% grasp the lofty things of God before I accept them and take them on board.
"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."
"But I still want one."
Over and out.
Huh, I guess I never really thought about this before (strange, really), but loving is primarily an activity of the heart and knowing primarily an activity of the mind.
ReplyDeleteIt seems - no, it is - obvious, but it didn't click because I believe that knowing and loving are tightly bound together. Truth and Love - which is more important? Yeah, me neither. I hold that 2 of the most basic human drives are To Love and To Be Loved, and To Know and To Be Known. So I never bothered to separate them.
Of course, it must be stated that I believe it's possibly to know with your heart and love with your mind, but it's pretty clear which is better at what. That's....really interesting. Thanks, Sarah.
This is precisely why little children, like my Miriam, and Abigail--when she was about Miriam's age--could truthfully and really accept Jesus as their savior. They had that heart transformation. It didn't matter that their brains didn't understand all the bigness of the whole gospel, or the different foundations that we teach to adult Christians... etc.
ReplyDeleteLove IS from the heart, and anytime the mind tries to force it, it can never be what love was meant to be. It CAN be real, from the mind, but it can never be whole.
That's my 2 cents. And as always, great writing. I love the insights. Way to make us think and ponder anew... <3
it also shows the depths of God's love for us and knowledge of our insides. when we're still in the "baby" phase of our walk with Him, when we cry all the time and basically vomit and poop a lot [spiritually speaking] and can't even walk or crawl yet, He knows and loves us. that was one of the wonders of being pregnant, because i loved so deeply this little baby girl who wasn't even aware i existed yet[and therefore had no ability to love me back yet]. it gives new meaning to the "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" verse; and appropriately enough, the first half of that verse is "and this is how we know the depth of God's love for us". hmm...
ReplyDeleteProper emotions are ALWAYS grounded in truth. Proper truth is rarely ever grounded in proper emotions.
ReplyDeleteThis post begs the question: What is love? There are two obvious answers in which we can take this question. Love is a feeling, or love is a decision. If it is a feeling, we must reckon with where it comes from, why we feel a certain way, or is it simply arbitrary, random. If it is a decision, we must ask, what is it based on? What knowledge?
I'd argue, you love Ella because she is a human being and you know she was created in God's image. Because she is the child of someone you love, they love her so you do as well. Not because she makes you feel a certain way. It's not this random thing. You don't love her because she MIGHT be a beautiful young woman. You'd love her if she was the most depraved sinner on the earth and believe the best for her. You'd let hardship come her way and perhaps even pray for it because that might see her to know Christ.
Whose more 'in love'? An older couple, who have been married for many years, who have struggled, triumphed and exhibited patience, kindness, self-control, the hard attributes of love throughout a marriage. Or the young pups, who FEEL the world for eachother, and it's easy and fun to be kind.
Is love rooted in the heart or in the head?
What we know about God must be rooted in truth, what He has TOLD us about him. His Word, objective, not on our own intuitions or heart. What a gift that God would give us his living, breathing Word to tell us about him.
Just thoughts.
Hi Sarah! This is HEATHER LANGSTON! I don't really have any pearls of wisdom for you, but I thought I'd at least leave you my name! :D Have a great day!
ReplyDeletedude seriously...who is this anonymous poster?!?!?
ReplyDelete