Toothpaste and Adulthood

I haven't slept in days. I keep typing and deleting, unsure of what exactly it is I'm trying to say. When I'm sleep deprived (which I think its currently the worst its ever been), my mind develops a mental block when searching for words. If you ever watched the show "Doug" on Nickelodeon it's like I'm Skeeter's dad - He would always say, "Can you pass me the uh....uh....uh...." until another person chimed in "the butter?". I wish I had someone in my room right now to finish my thoughts, to fill in the blanks where my mind forces a pause upon my speech. It's a strange thing when my thoughts feel so empty, yet continue spinning wildly in some sort of windstorm at the same time. The feeling is much like when you stand motionless, but the room turns rapidly around you, as if there's a race to see who can spin their way into the center of the earth first. Paralyzed, yet out of control - the status of my thoughts exactly.

I brushed my teeth in the shower a few minutes ago. I've never done that before, yet I had the sudden urge to tonight. This new way of accomplishing an every-day task probably won't make its way into my routine. The water is hot - it's like brushing your teeth with coffee. And tooth paste was getting everywhere - I don't much appreciate it's consistency anywhere but my toothbrush. I'm glad I did it though - Giving into desires is my new thing. I suppose that could sound immoral in some way, but I haven't the energy to justify or define exactly what I mean. ...But you know - you crave a cookie, devour it. You feel like crying, let the crocodile tears roll. So on, and so forth.

Moving on...
When do we become adults? How do we know we've reached that certain point of maturity? Or is it that others notice this sudden wisdom, and that's how we know "its" been attained. I know God's spoken to me about making me into a woman this past year, and I can feel its affects and changes, however I still feel so young. As a child I imagined anyone married as being an adult. While, I'm not married - I am of age, but I don't feel as if I've reached some new point in my life where coffee doesn't taste so bitter and I get great pleasure out of vacuuming. ...And when walking down the isle to my husband, should that day come, I can't imagine the adult fairy dust filling the air. In fact, I imagine I'll feel quite the opposite - hoping and praying God's grace evidences itself more than ever. My parents always tell me they still feel like teenagers, perhaps I inherited this Peter Pan gene from them. I wonder when Jesus felt He became a man - He certainly wasn't a resident of Never, Never Land. Oh, this awkward transition time of life - how long will it last?

Over and out.