The Stoplights of My Life...

Green means go. Red means stop. Yellow means....

What does yellow mean? Is it commanding a driver to slow down, for the dreaded color red is quickly approaching? ...Or is it a hint to speed up in order to avoid a forced halt. Yield, or speed. Be cautious or be hasty. Yellow lights overwhelm me with nervousness. How does one know when the banana shade light will turn into an apple? My mind freezes in a quiet panic from being forced into a quick decision of which pedal to choose, gas or break?. Escape death dangerously, or prematurely come to a stop? What do I choose? What's safest; most efficient; what's best?

Even when a light paints itself green, I anxiously await the turning of yellow. All enjoyment from freely driving at a set speed is completely lost from my fear of the green too quickly morphing into yellow.

Red. Now there's a color I'm comfortable with. Stop. Sit. Don't move. Wait - whether its a patient waiting or an agitated one - there's only one option. Red means stop, and there's no getting around it. No choices to make, or fears to have. Just...waiting. I like red. Hey, I love red. It's when the red turns to green, and then to yellow that I'm left over thinking each move. It's a constant watching of the traffic lights, really. ...But when you're driving a 2 ton vehicle that can cause great harm, red lights give a great sense of comfort. Especially when you're driving through unknown land. However, in order to get from one place to the other - green and yellow must be present.

The Lord is near, be anxious for nothing. Green means go, red means stop. Yellow means....

Over and out.

Ashes

What's a girl to do when insomnia strikes, yet again? Sit. And think. I read poetry aloud for a bit, and while that more-likely-than-not sounds pretty cheesy, it was wonderfully entertaining. However, now I am trying to rest with the lights out to cause my eyes to grow tired, so I had to close my book. The florescent glow from the laptop screen fights against that anti-light action, huh?



I don't know that I have much to say, at least not that I can post online. I often wish there were no restraints in my expressing thoughts and emotion from the day, but any ounce of wisdom knows different. My poor friends. I tell ya, I've got the best ones - I have daily outburst of pure bliss and outraging anger all meshed together. My spectrum of emotion amazes me. I can end up grounded and with a godly attitude, but those first few moments (okay, at times hours) are outrageous. Honestly, I need to get better at that. There's something in my nature (maybe all of human nature) that feels the necessity of pouring out the heart, even when its harmful. It's like when people make themselves vomit to feel better when they have a woosy stomach. We make ourselves word-vomit in efforts to calm roaring emotions, but instead of giving peace to the storm we form a habit of purging forth what should of remained inside. Deep breaths and a bit of ginger ale could solve the problem, really.

The things that get me "up in arms" should be no surprise. Before the summer began, God spoke to me clearly about throwing everything into the fire. It would be a time of testing, to see what would burn and what would remain. Yet while I understood the season of tossing aside what I held onto, I didn't prepare myself for watching the fire ravish what I once held dear. I almost want to run into the flames to rescue what's not already turned to ashes, but I know I can't. I must sit, silently; This trial must run its course. There's nothing I can do, but count it as loss for the sake of knowing Him.


....But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Jesus Christ. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. Philippians 3


Over and out.

Toothpaste and Adulthood

I haven't slept in days. I keep typing and deleting, unsure of what exactly it is I'm trying to say. When I'm sleep deprived (which I think its currently the worst its ever been), my mind develops a mental block when searching for words. If you ever watched the show "Doug" on Nickelodeon it's like I'm Skeeter's dad - He would always say, "Can you pass me the uh....uh....uh...." until another person chimed in "the butter?". I wish I had someone in my room right now to finish my thoughts, to fill in the blanks where my mind forces a pause upon my speech. It's a strange thing when my thoughts feel so empty, yet continue spinning wildly in some sort of windstorm at the same time. The feeling is much like when you stand motionless, but the room turns rapidly around you, as if there's a race to see who can spin their way into the center of the earth first. Paralyzed, yet out of control - the status of my thoughts exactly.

I brushed my teeth in the shower a few minutes ago. I've never done that before, yet I had the sudden urge to tonight. This new way of accomplishing an every-day task probably won't make its way into my routine. The water is hot - it's like brushing your teeth with coffee. And tooth paste was getting everywhere - I don't much appreciate it's consistency anywhere but my toothbrush. I'm glad I did it though - Giving into desires is my new thing. I suppose that could sound immoral in some way, but I haven't the energy to justify or define exactly what I mean. ...But you know - you crave a cookie, devour it. You feel like crying, let the crocodile tears roll. So on, and so forth.

Moving on...
When do we become adults? How do we know we've reached that certain point of maturity? Or is it that others notice this sudden wisdom, and that's how we know "its" been attained. I know God's spoken to me about making me into a woman this past year, and I can feel its affects and changes, however I still feel so young. As a child I imagined anyone married as being an adult. While, I'm not married - I am of age, but I don't feel as if I've reached some new point in my life where coffee doesn't taste so bitter and I get great pleasure out of vacuuming. ...And when walking down the isle to my husband, should that day come, I can't imagine the adult fairy dust filling the air. In fact, I imagine I'll feel quite the opposite - hoping and praying God's grace evidences itself more than ever. My parents always tell me they still feel like teenagers, perhaps I inherited this Peter Pan gene from them. I wonder when Jesus felt He became a man - He certainly wasn't a resident of Never, Never Land. Oh, this awkward transition time of life - how long will it last?

Over and out.

Mermaids, and Unicorns and Snickerdoodles. Oh, my!

When I was a girl I dreamed of becoming a marine biologist, and at the seasoned age of fifty I would transition into a state Senator. I've always imagined and planned and dreamed. I knew just how I could accomplish such tasks, and I worked towards it. I wanted a boat, so I saved my pennies. I wanted to swim the dolphins, so I scooted off to Wilmington one summer to learn about jellyfish and the fascinating world of seaweed. Dream, and make plans; Create a blueprint and walk along the well-lit path.

Tonight I was pondering... Why were my dreams, even as a young child, so attainable? Now, owning a boat at age 5, and making it into office as a Senator is perhaps a bit below what many view as realistic. However, it is in the realm of the possible. Why didn't I talk about being a princess? Why didn't I want to ride a unicorn to school in the morning? Why were my Barbies making friends at "Scoops Icecream" instead of swimming through magical lands and being trapped in hidden dungeons. Then there's also this question: why am I so suddenly so caught up in what I know is not real. I, in all honesty, have thought about the beauty of a unicorn. I've thought about the dresses I'd wear if I rode one and the different journeys I'd take. I dream of a mermaid's life and beauty. I aspire to her long beautiful hair, and her without-a-care days.

The reasoning of my absurd thoughts:

I want to dream big enough that plans cannot even be made. I've planned, and re-planned for the entirety of my life. I've had plan "A", plan "B", plan "C", and plan "SUCK-nothing's working out and I'm desperate for any path". From now on my dreams will be so starry-nighted, I'll only know a mere direction in which I'll take a step. The penciled-in plans are erased and I'm going to run with the cards I've been dealt. ...Even if that means running blindly. I'll lose attachments to anything and everything. I hold so much close to my heart, and whatever rests in your heart roots itself in your life. I don't want to have roots, I want to be free. Empty handed, and a heart void of anything but solid truth. I'm setting my eye on eternity, princesses, Snickerdoodle (my labradoodle dog - I'll explain another day), and unicorns.

God, point me in a direction and let me go. Castles in the sky, and a chariot to take me to there. I realise I sound a bit Alice in Wonderland-ish, but I need it. I need dreams that require unwavering faith to become reality. I need hope for something more than the "American Dream". I want to taste fairy tales and feel joyous imperfection.

"I've got my life in a suitcase, and I'm ready to run, run, run away. Cause every day it feels like its only a game..."

Over and out.

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Well, I'm sitting in the Charlotte airport for a couple MORE hours because I missed my flight due to my forgetting to change my phone to the correct time zone. It lamely does not change on its own. ....It's a bit funny though, except for my poor parents who have to stay up in order to come and get me.



Late, late for a very important date. I'm flying to North Carolina for a few weeks. Amusingly enough (well, perhaps it's only humorous to me) it was this time last year I was moving from NC to Wisconsin - and now I'm flying from WI to NC. Boing, boing - back and forth I go. One year ago.... My, my how much changes in a year. At the risk of coming off as emotional and dramatic, these past several months I firmly believe have transformed me from a girl into a woman. So be it, if it's a bit late for this to be occurring, it has happened and I am more than aware of its bumpy dirt roads, high and low valleys, rain clouds and sunshine. While my quarter life crisis has not yet resolved itself, I have found a bit more of who I am. Or rather, who God declares I am. My learning has not been without mistake, however I pray and hope both my triumphs and trials have ended with humility as my crown.



I've been thinking to myself, "What was my greatest lesson learned?" My conclusion: Life, in my eyes, does not make sense. Plans don't always come to pass, no matter how organized and well-thought out they are; people put on masks sometimes even the most trained eye cannot see past; what you think is sensible is not always what God knows to be best.

The miracle of the Red Sea fills my thoughts often. There was a teaching at my church recently about "enjoying the process". This meaning we should 'count it as joy' as we undergo difficult times and trials with the understanding we cannot simply suffer through the path that leads us through maturity, but we should endure with perseverance and enjoy the road that leads us there. Scott (the man who taught this) said something to the affect of "Everyone wants to see the Red Sea parted. However, no one wants to be chased by an army full of men with no logical place to go". The Israelites saw the miracle because they were placed in an impossible situation. We want the miracle without the circumstance that needs the supernatural solution. This revelation cut to the heart. Especially because God had spoken to me a couple of weeks earlier about the path the Israelites took to the Red Sea. You see, the quickest path from where they were to the Red Sea, was through the Philistine countryside. It would of been logical and on most accounts the "wise" thing to do for them to cut directly through the Philistine roads. God, being full of practical wisdom would of approved of the most time-efficient way, right? Well, no. God knew there was fighting going on in this area, and understood His children would become scared if they saw this. Rather than continue advancing towards the Red Sea, the Israelits would instead turn and run back to Egypt. Is God not able to protect them from these wars and fighting men? Why, of course He is. ...But He understood the condition of His children's hearts, and therefore led them through the wilderness to the Red Sea to protect them possible doubt and fear. I feel if I were in a conversation with the Lord discussing which path to take in this situation, I would of completely battled for the more time-efficient, productive and practical way. In my own pride and ignorance I would fail to recognize God's omniscience and chosen my own way instead of trusting God's knowledge.



Just because life can at times go against what I see as right or wisdom, does not mean what appears is always what is. We must firstly trust God, and be led by His Spirit - not by what we see. There are most certainly times where what we view as wisdom lines up with God's wisdom, but just as likely is our conclusion being the opposite of God's solution. What makes sense to me is not always correct. I must hear and ask God before I come to ANY conclusion in my mind. I cannot always see the war taking place on the path I desire to walk, nor foresee the danger in my heart if I were to follow paths into these ware zones. I must trust - and because of this trust I must choose to follow. Trust, then follow.

Over and out.

Castles in the Sky

Last night, I was babysitting what I am now claiming to be the most adorable and lovable 5 year-old boy. His parents are totally rad, and have built their 4 kids an incredible play room complete with a stage, art corner, swing and get this: a tree house. YES, a tree house, in the play room. You climb a ladder to get in, there are walls up to the ceiling, windows, a door and a painted night scene in the tree you can only see once climbing inside. I kept telling my new friend, Jackson, that he was living the life. I, in ALL seriousness, would love to currently have a tree house in my room. I would do all my work inside, read, talk, write and dream. It's more than amazing.


Before it was time to call it a night for Jackson (his siblings were already in bed), he wanted us to climb into the tree house and set up camp to pretend we were having a sleep over. We had pillows, blankets, stars, tree branches and our good conversation. I told him I loved the moon - how it was my favorite of all of God's creation, and how I wished to visit one day. He told me he'd rather go to Mars, you know - to check out aliens and things of the sort. We talked about watermelon, and how funny it'd be if eating a watermelon seed really did mean a watermelon would grow in your belly. What would a watermelon belly look like, anyway? ...I bet it'd look so funny. We yawned and pretended to make sleeping bags and continue to look at the sky (aka-the ceiling). I felt young and free. Anything I imagined in that moment I could one day make a reality. No matter how absurd or far away a thought was, I could speak it aloud and dream of its one-day existence.

A much needed dose of reality has set in for me this year, concerning all things included in "adulthood". While I needed to see, experience and taste reality - I do not believe God's intention was to show me what life is neccesarily, but to help me recongnize the process of creating something beautiful. There's hard work involved, but dirt on my hands doesn't just make my palms dirty-it builds something.

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."
-Henry David Thoreau

My glimpse into the truth and heart of life was not to ruin my dreams, goals and high aspirations, it was to ground them in Christ. I am firmly rooted and established in the foundation of Christ and love for Him and His church, and now my castles in the sky are a direct result of this. I’ve got the top of this castle, and more importantly I've got the bottom – now I need the grace of God and hard work of building the in-between.

If God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or even imagine (Eph 3:20), I feel my goal is to dream big and dream far…and see if God is true to His Word in topping it.

I double-dog dare you…

Over and out.

Live only for what you'd die for...

I've been staring a computer screen since 5pm quoting auto and home insurance up the wazzoo, and I'm pumped full of coffee. My mind is mush, but suddenly the thought popped into my mind, "I don't want to be apart of anything that I wouldn't die for."

A couple of weeks ago a woman in our church shared a picture she had (its a long story, but it was related to a World War 1 poem - http://www.ppu.org.uk/learn/poetry/poetry_ww1_1.html) - it dealt with a large poppy field full of fallen soldiers who had given their life for different things. It really impacted me because God esteems martyrs a great deal, and I believe there is a sobering reverence we should have as well, knowing one day we'll face men and women who died for freedoms/truths we can often take for granted.

I suppose all of this filtered into my mind that nothing in life is worth living for unless I'd die for it. I don't necessarily mean in only the larger things in life either, such as Christianity as a whole for example. I mean every truth, every right, every principle. In politics, would I die or willfully send my son to a war to die for the liberties and freedoms our country was founded upon? Would I die for truths founded in Christ? Baptism? The outworking of the gifts of the Holy Spirit? The 5-fold ministry (Eph 4)?

These sobering and endless topics are trotting through my mind making me wish to pull back from certain areas not worthy of a life slain in its defense. Its also inspires me to gain true and deep conviction for so many truths I know to be worthy of martyrdom.

What would I die for? In that answer lies my direction, path and focus for life....

Over and out!