I do not care...

(Warning: This is poorly written, I was up at 5:30am this morning...)

Tonight a friend asked me how many children I wanted. It's a simple question really, and a question I've always had an answer for. I used to say five, but after working closely with a friend/co-worker who has 3 teenage sons, I decided I couldn't handle five. Therefore my number dropped to three, but on days when I'm feeling strong I'd say four. However tonight I casually said, "I'm not sure, I've learned not to plan anymore."

The statement took me by surprise (even though the words came out of my very own heart and mind). I thought about it, and I actually don't care about how many kids I have, or even attempting to decide how many I actually want. I suppose this seems normal to most, but if you know me-you know I am a planner. Not just a planner, maybe an OCD-planner. I can be laid back about some things in life, but when there's a chance to work out some details I'm going to do it. This holds especially true when it comes to my life. I plan EVERYTHING from my wedding to schooling for my children, to what my house will look like, and my 30th birthday party; this includes time lines, dates, names, exc. ...But tonight, I don't care. I don't care when I get married, I don't care how many kids I have. I don't care where I'm living or what I'm doing. I am shocked at my feeling this way, but I honestly hold no great attachment to any ideas of my future life!! In the past 5 years or so, heck-the past 2 decades, I have planned SO many different lives for myself, and not once has a single detail gone down as I thought it would. I've been forced time after time to come up with another "Plan A" after every attempt of accomplishing mine fails.

This is what I have learned: My wisdom is not supreme-God's is. My own plans are not the best-God's are. God's grace and mercy have (thank You LORD!) saved me from myself and my plans time after time. So finally, Lord-I say heartfelt and with teary eyes-"I give up". I waive my white flag. I have finally, after (almost) 23 years of life learned to trust you, and surrender my wishes. I know whatever you have is best. I make plans and I run hard after them, only to have You re-route them. I'm taking that step out. Of course I will be pro-active in life to assure I am able to be used or take the appropriate path for what-have-you when the time comes. ...But I hold all things loosely, and I look only to God-not my crazy plans or desires.

I don't care-this is so odd for me, yet so freeing. Ah, liberty, you taste so sweet.